Page 38 of #PhiThetaForever

"The truth, Lena. Just tell me how you feel and stop pretending like it's nothing, when I can tell just by the look on your face that it's definitely something."

"Fine. You want me to say that every time we get started and you stop, I can't help but think about watching you lick some naked slut from her crotch to her mouth? That when you're not around, I still look at that screen shot and can't help but wonder if it's really the promises that we made that keep you from going any further than you do? Is that what you want to hear?" As quick as she explodes, I watch the spark of anger in her eyes dim, replaced by regret as tears fill the bottoms of her eyes.

Every since I put us in this mess, she has these moments where she just reacts. And the moment she does, she wishes she hadn't. But I don't. In these moments are the only time I know exactly what she's feeling. She can't hid it like she has been. She shows me just how badly I've hurt her, and it kills me—and I deserve it.

"I'm sorry, Declan," she says in a rush as the tears spill over her face. "I didn't mean to say all that."

Slowly, I walk over and stop in front of her, cupping both sides of her face and using my thumbs to wipe the tears from her cheeks. "You have nothing to apologize for."

"I shouldn't lash out at you, and it's not your fault, just sometimes I can't help the feelings that happen and I get upset and—"

"Shhh. This is my fault. Please don't think I don't know that. And please don't think that I'm asking you to let me off the hook or to even remotely forget about what I did to you. To us." She leans forward and rests her head on my chest, her hands settling lightly on my waist. "The promise we made to each other and to our faith are the only reason I haven't spent the last year making love you every day. Because deep down, neither of us are ready and the last thing I want to do is rush and ruin what is supposed to be the most beautiful and amazing moment between me and the my future wife. I love you, Lena. I want you, so bad it physically hurts sometimes. But I don't want sex with you to be tainted by forcing it because of my mistakes, or doing it because I was drunk or high. I want that moment to be . . . perfect."

She sniffles and squeezes her arms around my waist. "I know. Deep down I know that. I do. I just don't know how to stop hurting. I forgive you. I have. But in my chest, there's still this ache, this pain that won't go away."

"Because I haven't earned it. You forgive me and you love me, but I know right now you don't fully trust me. I have to earn that back, and that is going to take time, Lena. I screwed up bad. And only time is going to prove that I will never do that to you again, and that same time is the only thing that's going to let you heal. I'm so sorry, baby."

I wrap my arms around her tighter and want to kick my own ass for what I've put her through. How or why she's forgiven me, I don't know. I'm thankful though, because I can't picture a life without her with me. But, I don't deserve her. I might never deserve here again, not after what I did.

But God as my witness . . . I love her.

40 Lena

I sit back in my chair and sigh, sitting my pencil down next to my last final exam of my first semester of college. Even with all the drama this semester, I managed to make all As in my classes, and I think I've done well on each of my finals. Declan let his grades drop some while he was pledging, but managed to make all As and Bs, and I'm so proud of him for it. There's three minutes left of the allotted time on the final, and as I stand to hand mine in, I can't keep the smile off my face.

"Nice job this semester, Lena," my professor says as I hand him my paper. Professor Tribec has been an amazing instructor, and I'm really glad I took his class. "I hope to have you in another Oceanography course."

My grin widens. "Thanks, professor. This class was amazing."

He nods with a returning smile and I head out of the room, pulling my phone out to check the time. Declan and I finished packing last night. We're flying back to Lakeview this evening for the Winter Break before the start of next semester. I'm actually looking forward to some time just doing nothing but hanging out with our friends. This semester has been insane. Like crazy enough to make me lose my mind.

I want to gorge myself on Grandma's Pecan Pie and milkshakes, and freeze my butt off walking on the beach.

"Hey there, beautiful!"

I turn around swiftly as Justus comes jogging up next to me and grabbing me in a bear hug. Laughing, I squeeze him back. "Hey you."

We fall in next to each other and head toward my dorm. "How'd your finals go?"

I grin and nod. "I actually think I did pretty well. The Calculus final was a little daunting, but I think I still did okay."

"Ugh, I'm so glad I got all my math credits out of the way by the end of Sophomore year. It's my worst subject and I had a tutor both years."

"Really?" We come to the dorm and I open the door, thankful for the warm gust of air that hits my face as we walk inside. "I'm not terrible at math, it's just not my favorite subject."

Justus and I chat all the way to my dorm. He mentions that he might be swinging through Lakeview over the holiday. Darcy apparently wants to introduce him to her parents. Opening the door to my dorm, I jump as the whistle of several party toys sounds through the air followed by cheers and whistles. I stand, dumbfound, as Candice bounds into me and hugs me so hard around my neck that my eyes bug out of my head and it's hard to breath.

"We survived our first semester at college!" She lets go of me and smiles so wide it makes my face hurt. "Can you believe it?"

I loop my arm through hers and drag her with me to my bed, dropping my bag on the floor and pulling us down to lay next to each other, both of us giggling. "What a semester it's been. I can't wait to go home?"

Candice sits up with a little panic in her eyes. "You're coming back to Lakeview, right? Darcy and I can't imagine having you in Virgina for the whole break."

"No, no, I'm not going to Virgina. Dad is coming out to my grandparents for Christmas. Why did you think I wouldn't be coming home?" I sit up and stare at my best friend.

"Well, we all know you and Declan are working really hard to fix things, but we didn't know if maybe given everything you wouldn't want to spend the break at home."

My shoulders sag as I exhale and lean over to hug her. "Of course I'm coming home. I can't spend Christmas anywhere but with my best friends."