Page 100 of Only After We Met
She had cancer. It was really bad. It’s still hard for me to think back on. Seeing her like that, I mean. Just eaten up by illness. Struggling to survive. I know it’s fucking selfish, but it hurt me to see her every day. It was like… I don’t know, like someone cut open a hole in my chest. I can’t even explain it in words. I’ve never been good at communicating, you know that, Ginger; it’s not my strong point, though you’re maybe the one exception. I held on as best I could, swallowing all those emotions.
But then something happened. And I abandoned her.
I left. I did it when she was at her worst point. The doctors didn’t even know if she’d survive. But I left. I couldn’t… I just couldn’t stay…
That was the first trip I took. I didn’t know then I’d just keep traveling. I was a bad son, I know. I don’t know what I was thinking. How I could do it? I don’t know why she forgave me when I never told her what I was feeling. She didn’t need to. But I came back, and she hugged me. With Dad, though…that was where everything fell apart.
I fucked up. And he destroyed me.
I guess it was only fair.
From: Ginger Davies
To: Rhys Baker
Subject: I’m so sorry
My God, Rhys, that’s terrible. I won’t tell you that you did the right thing, but you were young and sometimes we don’t know how to manage our emotions. We all have the right to regret things and to say we’re sorry. The situation was too much for you, and you made a mistake. You just shouldn’t pay for it forever. It’s so sad that you and your father haven’t talked…
From: Rhys Baker
To: Ginger Davies
Subject: Everything’s fine
Believe me, it’s best like this. Let’s change the subject. We’re getting dark, aren’t we, Ginger Snap? What happened to the times when we used to joke around in all our emails and talk about your marvelous dates or other bullshit? I miss that.
By the way, in mid-March I’ll be at a festival in Germany. It’s not exactly next door, but you could always catch a plane and come see me. Be crazy. The way you did one night when you met a boy in the subway in Paris.
What do you say? It could be fun.
From: Ginger Davies
To: Rhys Baker
Subject: In case you forgot
Maybe you don’t remember I’m presently enslaved. I work fromMonday to Friday, and when the weekend comes, I’m exhausted (and I often still have to go with Dad on visits to our purveyors and things like that, but it’s best not to go into it, because you’ll die of boredom).
Anyway, I’m not interested in being a third wheel. I nose around on Alexa’s Instagram sometimes, and two days ago she posted a photo of her sitting on your knees in the VIP at some club as she was giving you mouth-to-mouth. (I hope you survived. I’m praying for you, but just so you know, I think her technique’s off.) You didn’t tell me you were together. I know she goes almost everywhere with you, so it would be…very uncomfortable.
I don’t think I told you this, but Dean’s getting married.
From: Rhys Baker
To: Ginger Davies
Subject: Come on, Ginger
Seriously? He’s getting married? That was a turbo courtship.
I was still breathing, but thanks for worrying about me. And I’m not with her. Not exactly. What’s it matter, anyway? I want to see you.
From: Ginger Davies
To: Rhys Baker
Subject: RE: Come on, Ginger