Page 79 of All That We Are Together

“Are you scared of what might happen? Tell me.”

“I don’t know what you’re talking about.”

“Yeah, you do. I’m talking about us.”

“That’s not even a possibility,” I said.

He stepped aside, and I entered the bathroom, taking a deep breath after locking it, as if I’d just gotten out from under a weight and finally felt safe from him, far away from him. I couldn’t grasp what had happened, and it scared me so much I didn’t even want to think about it. I didn’t realize my arms were shivering until I lifted them to take off my soaked T-shirt.

“Fine, I’ll talk through the door,” he said.

I clenched my teeth when I heard his muffled voice. How could he be so stubborn and impossible when he really wanted something, and then leave it behind so easily?

“The grant is just for two months. I’m not asking you to leave your life behind here, Leah. As for internships, look, I could talk to your professor and probably get you credit for this. You’d be killing two birds with one stone.”

“I see you’ve got it all planned out,” I grunted.

“Yeah. ’Cause I’m the world’s best agent.”

As I buttoned my pants, I told him there must be other people interested.

“You’re the youngest artist we have.”

“You should find another one,” I responded.

“Could we have this conversation face-to-face and not through a door?”

I opened it slightly. I was more relaxed now. I didn’t want to be vulnerable in front of him again.

“Axel, I realize this is a big opportunity, and it sounds amazing.”

“It’s a huge opportunity. Hans has a lot of contacts.”

“Still, it isn’t for me. I’m sorry.”

I looked around for a hairband on my counter.

“What do you want, then?”

By his voice, I could tell he was frustrated.

“In what sense, exactly?” I asked.

“Your career. Painting. Tell me what your goals are, and I’ll try to help you reach them, but to do it, we need to have this conversation before we take another step. What are you thinking of doing when you finish school? Do you want to get a job in some other field and paint in your free time, or is the idea to live off your work? I think I deserve an answer.”

I shut my eyes.

I knew he was right. I needed to choose. I didn’t want to make him waste his time, and this wasn’t a game. But I hadn’t thought about concrete objectives, not seriously. All I knew was thatpainting was my life, but I didn’t know where that should lead me. All I was certain of was that I wanted to go on painting, however simple that might seem. It’s not like I dreamed of exhibiting in a gallery in New York and getting famous, or selling my pictures for a fortune and getting rich. None of that had occurred to me. I’d never worried about it; you just don’t, I guess, until you realize you’re on the verge of having bills to pay and you’ll need a job to pay them. I tried to imagine that other life, but I just couldn’t.

“Yeah, that’s the idea, I guess, making a living from art,” I said quietly.

Axel’s hair was still wet, and I remembered seeing him come home after whiling away his time among the waves.

“Then I don’t understand…”

“It’s all just so complicated.”

“Are we the problem, Leah?”