Page 20 of All That We Are Together

“And you can’t get that back?”

I thought about it. Separating one part of Axel—the part of his kisses, our bodies united, the nights on the porch—from the other that had been the root of all that: our friendship, tenderness, an unconditional love that could last a whole life…

“I don’t know, but the situation is…”

“Uneasy? I bet. All I want is for you to really take stock of all your options, to think it over calmly before you reach a decision.” Landon kissed my forehead and draped an arm around me. “Next subject: today it’s your turn to choose the movie, right?”

22

Leah

I was pissed.

Pissed at the world for putting me in this situation. Pissed at Oliver for being so contradictory. Pissed at Landon for not telling me what I wanted to hear. Pissed at Linda for pushing me and making me come talk to her during office hours. Pissed at Axel for everything. And especially pissed at myself for nearly losing an opportunity, because I wasn’t willing to see if I really had broken free of that part of my past, and, ironically, my dreams were leading me down a path I’d spent years trying to avoid. And I had to decide if I would chase them or let them get away.

23

Leah

Doubts wrap around you, like a thick blanket you can’t take off, and the longer you spend beneath it, the less you can breathe. I’d tried to throw it off, but I couldn’t. When I lifted one edge, the other fell back down. When I thought I had the answer in front of me, fear loomed again and made me take a step back, and there I was again walking in a circle while all those doubts crushed me.

Then one random morning, I drew a deep breath and decided I was going to throw the whole blanket off in one go. I tried to think coldly, without getting trapped again in that tangled forest of thoughts. I got out of bed, looked out the window, and made a decision.

24

Axel

I brought the phone back to my ear, stunned.

“She agreed?” I asked again.

“Not exactly. She wants to talk about it. It’s a step.”

“Oliver…” I took a breath, nervous, because a part of me had already decided her silence meantno, while another part of me had been struggling for weeks to keep from getting in the car and driving to the door of her dormitory and threatening not to leave until I got what I wanted. “Thanks for this.”

There was tense silence on the other line.

“She gave me the address of a café for you two to meet next Monday afternoon. You got a pen and paper? Write it down.”

I took down the details with the phone pressed between my shoulder and ear, wondering what had made Leah choose her brother as an intermediary. Then I thought…I thought maybe she had erased my number from her contacts. Maybe one day she was mad and pressed the button in a rage, trying to erase from her life something she’d left behind to embark on a new stage.

“Okay, Monday around five,” I repeated.

“Yeah. And another thing, Axel…be delicate. I know you never are.” I rolled my eyes and was thankful he couldn’t see me. “Stick to painting, nothing more.”

“Relax, Oliver,” I said.

“It’s easy to say; it’s hard as fuck to actually do it.”

“Leah’s an adult, man. She’s twenty-three years old; I think she’ll be able to have a normal conversation with me in a coffee shop.”

Ironically, I wasn’t sure I would, since I’d barely been able to utter that phrase there in the gallery. But I wanted to ease Oliver’s mind, to keep from letting this make our relationship even more awkward and tense. Sometimes, it seemed things were the same as always, but the next second, it was as if we were strangers.

I was about to hang up when he said, “Axel, one other thing.”

“What?”

“Don’t make me regret this.”