Page 21 of All That We Are Together

There was a note of pleading in his words, and I wondered what he was feeling, because he seemed willing to let me meet with Leah again, but he also seemed petulant.

He said a quick goodbye, not giving me a chance to answer.

I stayed there with my phone in my hand for a moment, looking out the window as the breeze shook the trees growing around the cabin, thinking about her, about how I’d see her in a few days and wasn’t too sure what to expect. And that fucked me up, the uncertainty about that girl I had watched grow up and then shared everything with: my home, my life, my heart.

What was going to happen to all that?

People come and go with time, close and open doors, walk through them, walk back out. It happens every day. Someone leavesyour world, they stop taking your calls, and then what happens with all the things they can’t take with them? The memories, the feelings, the moments…can they really vanish and turn to dust? Where do they go then? Maybe some people can hold on to them tighter? Maybe I was someone who’d been capable of keeping all those invisible things, and now they were in a giant suitcase filled to bursting, while she could walk down a different road without some giant burden on her back.

I walked out to the porch and lit a cigarette.

I smoked it slowly in the silence of the night. One of those memories that I always cherish shook me while the smoke faded into the darkness. The notes of a song swirled inside me, and I heard Lord Huron’s “The Night We Met” again from that time when I was dancing with Leah squeezed against my body, right before I kissed her and we crossed that line that changed everything.

I closed my eyes and took a breath.

25

Axel

I didn’t remember ever being that nervous.

The café where we met was rustic-looking, with wooden walls and shelves packed with plants and antiques serving as decorations. When I went in, Leah wasn’t there yet, so I sat at a table in the back, next to a window that opened onto a not very busy street. I ordered a strong coffee, though I knew it wouldn’t help calm me down, and I massaged my temples with my fingers while I stared at one of the balconies out front with its matching flowerpots, and the colored petals dangling down on stems left unpruned: yellow flowers over intense green…

Everything was art. Too bad I couldn’t portray it.

I looked up when I heard the doorbell chime, and my mouth went dry. Leah walked forward slowly, her eyes staring straight into mine, exactly as I’d thought she wouldn’t do. She always managed to surprise me.

So unpredictable…

I’d assumed she’d be looking away all the time, but no. She was defiant. I held my breath as she came over. She was wearingtight jeans and a plain gray T-shirt, and still, all I could think was that she was radiant in a way no other girl I’d ever seen had been. She was brilliant, she shone. I asked myself how it was possible that no one else in the café noticed the light that her skin was reflecting, the sheen of her eyes, the strength in each step she took.

I rested both hands on the table and stood up.

Leah stopped in front of me. I bent down and gave her a kiss on the cheek, or not so much a kiss; I just grazed her cheek with my lips, and she jerked away and sat down, hanging her bag on the back of the chair. I settled down across from her.

How should we start? What should I say?

I could see the tension in her narrow shoulders, and I wanted to calm her down somehow. The way I used to. Every time she had been in pain, and I was her life raft and not the person who caused her problems.

“You want something to drink?”

Leah took a moment to untangle her eyes from mine and look up at the waitress, who was holding her notepad after serving me a coffee. I contemplated the dark liquid while she ordered an apple juice, and I wished I could trade it for a shot of anything I could knock back to ease my nerves.

“So…here we are,” I whispered.

“Here we are,” she repeated softly.

I was an idiot. After years of not talking to her, that was the only thing I could think to say. I closed my eyes and took a deep breath to gather my courage.

“Leah, I…” I had a knot in my throat.

“The contract,” she said, cutting me off. “We should talk about it.”

“Right. Exactly.” I paused while the waitress returned and served her juice. “I sent it to your professor.”

“She didn’t tell me the details.”

“Why?” I looked at her, intrigued.