Page 19 of All That We Are Together
“It’s my brother. And I’m mad at him. So no.”
“What happened this time?”
Oliver and I had more than our share of spats, the way a brother and sister do. It doesn’t mean they don’t love each other.But Axel was something more than an ordinary spat: he was blunt-force trauma, a fence you could barely see past, and I wasn’t ready to climb over it just because Oliver was having a sudden change of heart.
I looked at Landon, a little uncomfortable.
“He wants me to say yes…” I whispered.
“He wantshimto represent you?” He tried to make sure this was what I meant, since I’d just mentioned it in passing a week ago, when I was at his apartment and upset after leaving Linda Martin’s office with my heart in my throat.
I’d tried not to bring it up since, even though I couldn’t get it out of my mind.
“Yeah. That’s my brother. Mr. Consistency.”
Landon leaned on the counter. “What do you think?”
“I don’t think anything,” I responded, putting a carton of juice into the refrigerator.
Landon bit his lip and looked at me.
“What?”
“Nothing. It’s just… You should think about it.”
“What? You can’t be serious!”
He grabbed my wrist before I could leave the kitchen. I tried to keep a lid on things, breathe deep, and listen to him.
“Wait, Leah, babe…”
“Don’t call me that,” I begged.
“Sorry.” Tense, he ran a hand through his hair.
We weren’t used to arguing. Landon and I didn’t have the usual couples’ fights, we just enjoyed each other hugging on the sofa or taking walks through town.
“I didn’t explain myself right. If you don’t want to do it, there’s nothing to talk about, okay? I know you’ve got your reasons. Believe me, I’m the first one to wish you’d never be in the same room with him again…” His voice cracked before he looked back at me. “But I can imagine why your brother thinks it’s a major opportunity for you. Come here, give me a hug.”
I held him tight and closed my eyes when I felt his chest against my cheek. I understood. If I tried hard, I could get that they were just thinking about my future, that they realized three years had passed and that was enough time to confront the demons of a past I’d left behind. It made sense. The reality was stifling, because Axel was holding out a piece of candy he knew I couldn’t resist: painting, my dreams. And to get it meant stirring up feelings I’d hoped would stay buried.
Landon pulled away softly. “Let’s forget about it. What do you want for dinner?”
I bit the inside of my cheek. “It would be so complicated…”
He stopped when he realized I was still talking about the thing from before. He pushed away the stray hairs that had escaped my ponytail and took a deep breath before asking a question he seemed to have been holding on to secretly for months: “Are you still in love with him?”
“No.”
I wasn’t, because Axel wasn’t the person I’d thought I knew, because with the passage of months and years he had stripped away the layers of what I thought I’d fallen in love with: his sincerity, his way of life, his transparent gaze… And when they were all gone and I looked again, I saw there was nothing left.Just a void. I hadn’t found the boy I thought was there under all that bright, shiny wrapping.
I could tell Landon was breathing easier.
“Then what are you worried about?”
“I don’t know! It’ll be hard. Weird. I don’t know if I can just act like nothing ever happened with him after he hurt me so bad. It’s not just what happened between us while I lived there; it’s everything else, all the stuff from before. We were friends, family. We were the kind of people you look at and think they’ll never be apart because somehow their lives are just woven together.”
I realized I was taking big steps back and forth across the kitchen, agitated, when Landon got in front of me to stop me. He bent down so we could look into each other’s faces.