Page 75 of A Heart of Little Faith

“That’s great, Tony!” Claire cried with glee. “Bye!” she called out. The apartment stilled and it felt like the world stopped spinning on its axis. When Lily calmed enough to speak, she told Samantha everything that happened, starting with running into Elaine and ending up at Gideon’s apartment. Her throat was raw by the end and it was all she could do not to dissolve into tears again.

“But he didn’t say specifically he didn’t want to see you again, did he?” Samantha asked.

Reliving the memories of last night filled her with pain. “Sam, if you had seen his face and heard his tone, you wouldn’t ask that question.”

“Couldn’t it just be a reaction to the shock of seeing Elaine? You know how he handles things—get upset first and apologize later.” Her voice was soothing, but it didn’t help.

Lily shook her head. “No, we’re finished.” She could feel it deep in her bones. No matter how hard she’d tried, she hadn’t been able to get through to him.

“I feel like it’s my fault,” Samantha anguished. “If I hadn’t given you guys the tickets, none of this would have happened.”

She’d shown him numerous times that he could have faith in her, that she saw the man behind the wheels. But it hadn’t mattered. “It’s not your fault, Sam. Deep down, regardless of everything we’ve been through, Gideon just doesn’t trust me. And honestly, I can’t be with someone who doesn’t trust me.” If he didn’t trust her feelings for him, what else wouldn’t he trust? Any relationship built without trust would crumble. Maybe not right away, but eventually. She wouldn’t do that to herself or to Claire, no matter how much it hurt.

“I don’t think it’s you, Lil. He has this block when it comes to Elaine, and unfortunately he can’t get past it. If I had seen her, I would have killed her.”

“Great, I would have lost the man I love and my best friend, all in one day. No thanks!” She wiped the tears away.

The two women hugged. Samantha’s patchouli perfume didn’t calm Lily like it usually did.

“I wish I could do something for you, Lily.”

“Me too. I feel like I did when Daniel died, and I thought I could never feel that bad again.” And she had no idea how she’d survive.

****

Gideon rolled through his apartment. White-hot anger filled his belly and burned his throat. He’d give anything to be able to get out of his chair and run, mile after mile until all of the rage oozed out of his pores with his sweat and he left it in the dust. But instead, he was stuck in this chair, and he slammed his fist against the wheel rim in frustration.

He swiped his arm over his desk and sent a stack of papers flying. They scattered across the floor and he swore. He jabbed his fingers through his hair, no longer stiff with gel. It flopped on his hand. He had to finish this presentation. He’d worked on it all morning, but couldn’t concentrate on it for more than five minutes without images from last night running through his mind.

Of all the people to run into, they’d run into Elaine. You’d think it would be easy to avoid someone in a city the size of New York. It wasn’t like they had the same interests—if he was honest with himself, they’d never had, even when they dated—or associated with the same people, or liked the same food. In three years, he hadn’t run into her once, but last night, the gods rebelled and his world had fallen apart. She’d seen him, humiliated him, and Lily had taken her side. Granted, she claimed to have tried to help him out, but she’d still chosen Elaine over him, heard Elaine’s side of the story.

On his refrigerator hung a picture Claire drew for him. The bright colors matched those that flashed behind his eyes in his fury. What was he supposed to do now? He tore the sheet off the fridge. The Boston magnet skittered on the floor and slid under the stove. He balled the paper in his hand. The waxy, crayon scent floated to his nose and reminded him of the day he’d gone to Claire’s school. His heart constricted and he hunched over. His chest ached, his heart stuttered and his stomach was filled with acid. He never should have gotten involved with Lily, especially when he found out about her kid. It was bad enough breaking up with someone he loved—and he had one, and soon to be more, sleepless nights to prove that—but Claire made it worse. He loved that kid as if she were his own. His arms ached to hug her. In despair, he smoothed out the paper and traced his fingers over the thick crayon lines.

A knock on his door startled him and he left the crumpled drawing on the counter as he went to answer it. He gripped the cold doorknob.What if it is Lily?His breath caught in his throat and he listened for the slightest sound of her. No. She wouldn’t return. He shook his head to clear it and opened the door. Samantha and Tony stood there. They knew.How did they find out? Oh yeah, it’s Sunday. Brunch.She’d told them. He stared at their somber faces and dared them to utter a word.

“Can we come in?” Samantha asked. She blinked, as if she were imprinting his red eyes, messy hair framing a drawn face in her brain. They continued to stare at each other until finally, he reversed without a word and went into the kitchen to make coffee. They followed.

“So how are you doing?” Samantha asked. Tony kept quiet. His sister could learn a lot from him.

“Fine.”

“Really?”

“Yes.”

“You don’t seem fine.”

Gideon spun around. He glared at her, and Samantha flinched, as if she resisted the urge to duck. She stared at him, chin raised. His gaze bounced off her and moved to Tony, who also stared at him.That’s it, I’m telling them to leave. But as much as his brain wanted to do that, his heart wouldn’t let him. There were only so many times he could push the same people away. They loved him. He just couldn’t do it. He wilted, slightly. “What do you want me to say?” Fatigue made him sound hoarse as each word scraped its way out of his mouth.

“Why did you and Lily break up?” Samantha asked. Her crestfallen expression tore at him.

“Because it wasn’t going to work.” His shoulders ached with tension.What does she want me to say? I broke up with Lily because she chose Elaine over me?

“Why not?”

“Sam, we never should have gotten involved in the first place.” His stomach clenched. “Neither of us wanted that kind of relationship and she deserved more than I could give her.” His mouth tightened. “It wasn’t meant to be.” He clenched his fists. “I’m sorry to disappoint you, but that’s just the way it goes.” A part of him died inside as he finished speaking.

“Bull. You’re lying to yourself, putting up walls so you won’t be hurt again.” Her eyes flashed. “Fine, go ahead and do that, but you won’t be living—really living—with that wall. And the only one you’ll have to blame is yourself.” Her chest heaved with emotion.