Page 9 of Wrapped in Winter

Mom and my sisters never argued with me about leaving. They knew it was my way of dealing with Dad’s death. His dying cemented the plan Courtney and I had to leave this small town, find a new life. But when Lief finally reached out about the store, that’s when I knew something had to change. He’s still mad at me, I know it, and we walk a thin line around each other, especially when it’s just the two of us. We’ve gotten pretty good at keeping up appearances when we have to though.

I do what has to be done each day. I go through the motions because I don’t have a choice.

But I experienced something with the bar guy that left me feeling out of control. He’s the first guy that sparked any kind of interest since losing Sean. And what a way to break into the dating world again, if I can even call it that. There’s no one for four years, and then I break that cycle in the bathroom.

“Can I tell you something else?”

“What’s with the questions? You’ve never tiptoed around me!”

“I’m worried about you,” she says quietly.

“Court, don’t?—”

“You're my best friend. I'm allowed to worry. I’m also allowed to want the best for you. I could say you banging that guy in the bathroom was you having a breakdown, but honestly, I think it's great. You need excitement, you needlifeto happen to you. I think doing that was what you needed. You need to let yourself feelsomething.Feel rage, feel anger, feel horny.” I laugh at her. “Just feel!”

She gets me; she sees me in a way no one else does. “You’re right. It’s the first time I let my heart lead me in three years, rather than just relying on my brain.”

“Just three years?”

“Longer than three years. I feel like my life is split in stages. Like a book, where each chapter is another trauma but nothing blends together. There's no seamless move onto the next, you know? Just abrupt ends and different words.”

“I understand. I was there with you, January. I saw it too. But this can be a new start for you. Another chapter.”

“The one where she fucks a stranger in the bathroom.” I laugh.

“Sure, if we want to be specific.”

“How about the one where it wasn’t half bad?”

She laughs. “So what's his name?”

“I haven’t a clue.”

“January!”

I groan and cover my face. “I know! It’s so bad. This isn’t me!”

“It’s okay, you're finding a new you. You're not who you were at eighteen, twenty-six, or even two years ago. Find who you are now and go with it. But in order for your daughter to knowhappiness, her momma needs to know it first.” She grins. “And if happiness is found in the bathroom stall, I say go for it.”

I smack her leg. “Don’t say that!” I sigh and pick at the blanket on my lap. “I ran into him at the bakery this morning.”

“You’re kidding! What happened?”

“Nothing. I ran.”

“Oh, January.”

“I didn't know what to do. I didn’t think I'd ever see him again. And then my sister was at the shop going on and on about the new delivery guy. It was just too much. Lily and I left for the library and then we came home.”

“Well, you know he must live in town. I’m sure you’ll run into him again.”

I gulp down the rest of my wine, swallowing hard. My body says I hope I run into him, but my mind is throwing up every red flag I can think of.

You're not lovable.

You’re not fun.

You’ve got too much baggage.