Page 8 of Wrapped in Winter
“If you even finish that sentence, we’re no longer friends. You know I keep everything you say closed up like a vault.”
I nod. “I know.” I sigh and think about how to deliver the news. There’s no good way, so I just say it.
“IhadsexinthemensbathroomattheRange.” I rush the words from my lips then sit quietly. Courtney doesn’t say anything, and when I look at her, her eyes are wide.
“With a man?”
“Yes with a man!”
She giggles. “Girl, you’re my hero.”
“Stop it. You can have sex in the bathroom anytime you want.”
She bursts out laughing. “You’re right. I can. And so can you.”
I groan and let my head fall back on the couch. “Can I?”
“Yes!” she yells. “Why are you beating yourself up?”
“You know why.”
“January. I don't know why I have to keep saying this to you. You’re allowed to live.” I drop my eyes from her and she pushes at my chin, tilting my head up. “I’m going to say something, and you can get mad if you want, but I'm going to say it anyway.”
“Say it.”
“It's up to you to teach your daughter what a healthy relationship is. I know she’s young, but it starts now. You closing yourself off to everyone is not good. And I'm not just talking about men. I’m talking about family too.”
“Damn, kick a girl when she’s down, huh?”
She reaches for our wine glasses and hands me mine, tilting it to my lips to encourage me to drink. “I know things are still strained with Lief. And honestly, he’s a man, so you're going to have to make the first move here.”
“My brother is more stubborn than me.” I take a bigger sip from my glass than necessary.
It wasn't long after Courtney, Jack, and I left Montana that Lief followed us to New York City. I loved that he was there with me. It felt like I could do anything; I could start over and still have my family. Some of them anyway. My sisters were in high school still, but I even had dreams of them coming to live there too. But Lief didn’t like the crowd I found, especially Sean, my boyfriend. Those two had animosity despite barely speaking to each other. Bits and pieces of what he heard from others left Lief thinking Sean was too controlling of my time, and he soon became sick of me defending Sean. And in turn, whenever I would make excuses for my brother, Sean accused Lief of trying to run my life. When Lief eventually said he was going back to Montana to take care of our family, he expected me to come too. I refused, and it caused a big rift between us. We didn’t speak again for some time.
Courtney snickers. “I won’t dispute that but,” she softens her voice, “he went through it too. You two, being the oldest, have to come together and make the decisions for everyone. I know it sucks having to parent your parent and parent your siblings, but they look to you for wisdom.”
“I have no wisdom.”
For years I didn’t allow myself to feel…anything. I forced down angry emotions about having to step up after Dad was gone. I pushed aside guilty feelings over having to bury my daughter's father before she ever met him. I don’t know sadness because I’ve ignored it for too long. But nothing stops the past words and conversations that constantly filter through my mind, reminding me of what I’ve lost, the people I’ve hurt, and all my bad decisions.
“I can’t believe you’re going to abandon us.”
“Don’t be so dramatic, Lief. You’re the oldest, and you’re in charge. Figure it out.”
“I don’t know how to figure it out, January. I need help.”
“Blossom and Meadow can help. Mom has run the store before, she knows.”
“They don't know,” he bites out through gritted teeth. “That's why Dad did everything.”
I know Dad did everything. And now Dad’s gone.
“I can’t stay here, Lief. Not right now.”
“You’re so selfish.”
But being back here again and having to face the hole in our family, and my own little one, keeps those feelings stirring beneath the surface. And I don’t like it. I never properly mourned for either of them because there was no time to do so, and if I allowed it to happen later, I didn’t think I’d be able to pull myself out of that darkness.