Page 42 of Risky Behavior: Submitting to the Ruthless Guard
Too Much Time
Talia
Whenyouliveyourlife in a bubble of time, reality starts to feel distorted. Only a handful of days had gone by since Leo had left but the longer he was gone the more I questioned everything about my situation. I watched as Valentina and her family went through life as if this were just a normal thing, and I kept wondering what they had to have gone through in the past for something like me hiding out in their home not to bother them. My mind kept playing back every conversation Leo and I had since he came into my life and I had all but convinced myself that I was delusional and he didn’t care about me at all.
“Talia? Did you hear me?”
I looked up at Dr. Nikolaidis and tried to shake myself from my scrambled thoughts. “I’m sorry, can you say that again?”
“I asked what you envision Leo’s return to look like. Have you given it much thought?”
I looked out the window of the sitting room and my gaze stopped on two of the Corsetti children playing in the yard. For all intents and purposes they appeared to be a completely normal family. The crazy part of me kept thinking that Leo and I stood a chance to be like them someday.
“I try not to.”
“Why is that?”
“I don’t want to be disappointed if he comes back and everything changes.”
“So you are expecting things to change between the two of you?”
“Dr. Nikolaidis, I know this may be normal for you but I’ve never experienced anything like this before. The people I met while at Miles’ estate were truly awful human beings and Leo… well he kind of swept in like my knight in shining armor which was never something I thought I would need. I just keep thinking that maybe I overestimated what we meant to each other given the situation I was in. I mean it’s not uncommon for something like that to happen right?”
“No, it’s not. But I want you to think back to the time you spent together. Did Leo ever give you the impression that he didn’t care for you in the same way you cared for him?”
“That’s all I keep doing. I replay things again and again in my head trying to figure out if it was just the drugs they had me on, or my own hopes of finding someone special. The truth is I just don’t know. Without him here to reassure me that I’m not losing it, I kind of feel like I am.”
He shifted in his seat and let out a small laugh. “Talia, I may be crossing a line here but I’m sure you have figured out in the short time we’ve known each other that I’m not a typical psychologist. From everything I know about Leo and what I’ve learned about you I can honestly say that he isn’t the type of person to blow smoke up someone’s ass. What you remember about your time together isn’t something to question, it’s something to cherish.”
“What if he doesn’t come back? Then what?”
“Then you will work through that, and you have all of us here to help you. Talia, with or without Leo you will need to start the healing process.”
He was right, he had to be right. I didn’t want to think about what it would mean if he wasn’t.
“Can I ask you something?”
“That’s what I’m here for.”
“When I was there, Miles… he… well he forced himself on me in a way that was terrifying. Two men held me down while… you know what, that part isn’t important. My friend Raven’s fiancé owns a club, a kink club of sorts and well, I’ve been doing a bunch of research on what it’s all about. I know this is going to sound a little out there but I keep thinking about what it would be like to reenact that whole thing but instead of it being out of my control allowing it to happen. I want to do it with Leo but I don’t think he would agree to it.”
I watched as Dr. Nikolaidis’s expression changed from intense listening to one of curiosity. “I have plenty of patients who have worked through trauma this way but many find it doesn’t completely solve the issue. If it’s something you want to do then I would recommend you put a plan in place beforehand. One that includes ongoing therapy to talk about your thoughts and feelings after the scene plays out. If Leo decides it isn’t something he is comfortable with, would you be okay with that?”
“I think so. What he did to me was terrible but the part that bothered me the most was feeling so out of control. It brought back all these shitty memories of my childhood with my mom being wasted and me having no choice but to deal with the fallout. Once I moved in with Raven and her mom I swore I’d never put myself in a situation like that again. Even deciding to go through with the auction was a choice I made because I wanted the financial freedom to have control over my life again.”
“I understand.”
“I think this could help.”
“It’s a little early in the process, and I wouldn’t recommend this being something you do outside of a private setting but if you feel strongly about it then I will work with you to make sure you are mentally prepared for what you may experience.”
I jumped as my phone rang and rushed to see who it was. Raven’s number would show if she were calling but this one only said blocked.
“I think it’s him,” I said as I pushed the accept button without thinking twice about the fact that I was in the middle of a therapy session.
“Hello.”
“Little Bird, it’s good to hear your voice.”