Page 110 of Losers, Part I
“You nailed that,” Vincent said, smiling wide. “That was a first-place run, no doubt about it.”
“We don’t know that yet,” Jason said, but I could see the hope on his face. He knew he’d done well, but he reserved celebrating until everyone had gathered at the podium in front of the stands. The day had flown by and the sun was now set, the track’s massive overhead lights illuminating the podium as the announcer introduced the third-place winner before turning his attention to the final two drivers.
“We had a very close run between our two top drivers today. I know it came down to the details for our judges.” As the crowd’s cheering for both drivers settled down, I stood between Vincent and Manson, waiting with bated breath. “But there can only be one winner, and I’ve got the final scores from the judges here. First place is…”
I was practically crushing Manson’s hand in anticipation.
“Jason Roth!”
The crowd erupted, but I could barely hear them over my own cheering and the excited yelling from the boys as Jason accepted his trophy from the announcer. We surrounded him the moment he stepped off the podium, other drivers coming up to congratulate him and shake his hand.
It was the first time I’d seen them all look truly, unabashedly joyful. This was their world, this was where they found happiness. And they’d invited me into that, they’d brought me to share in their joy.
As it turned out, the things they loved made me happy too.
40
Jessica
Everything felt perfect…at least, it did until the next day.
We stayed out late that night, the five of us stopping for dinner at a nearby bar and grill to celebrate Jason’s victory. Vincent bought him a shot, then I did, and we kept going until we’d gotten Jason completely blasted.
I’d been a little tipsy myself by the time we left, but I could remember Jason grabbing me before he got into the Bronco, slurring slightly when he said, “You know, you’re beautiful…so fucking beautiful…most beautiful woman I’ve ever seen. I’m so glad you came.”
Those words had stayed with me long after they’d dropped me off at home, sitting like a little ball of light within me. Something had changed yesterday, something important. I wasn’t sure what it meant, but it made me feel more hopeful than I had in a long time.
Except now, I had to deal with my mother.
“This is unacceptable, Jessica, do you hear me? Unacceptable!”
She had started on me first thing in the morning. I’d managed to fend her off during work, but now that I was done, she’d launched straight back into her tirade. Telling her the boys were “just friends” had done nothing other than make her start lamenting my terrible taste in friends and how my “standards”had fallen so low.
“You have friends,” she insisted. “Friends who aren’t criminals, who aren’t trying to take advantage of a beautiful young woman.”
My sister had already fled the scene, and even my dad had quietly crept away, probably to hide in his office. Cowards. Why was I always expected to be the bigger person here, to deal with this by myself?
“Whatever happened to Danielle?” Mom said, her eyes wide as she looked at me from her big cushy chair in the living room. “Or Candace, or Vanessa?”
“Vanessa moved to Kentucky,” I said, purposefully avoiding discussing the other two women she’d mentioned. “Look, I know you don’t like them, and you don’t have to. But they’re not dangerous. Don’t act like I’m some naïve little girl.”
“Oh, honey, that’s exactly what you’re acting like.” She had her wine glass cupped between her fingers, and she took a large sip before she said, “You know better than this. You used to tell me those boys were creeps, that they were always getting into trouble. Good grief, Jessica, were the assaults they committed not enough for you? What happened to your sense?”
“Mom, they are literally fixing my car,” I said. “I can’t avoid them. I’m not going totryto avoid them.”
“Avoid them…” She scoffed. “You sat your butt down in that man’s car without a second of hesitation. You are far beyond them only being your mechanics.” Her eyes narrowed. “Sweet Jesus, please don’t tell me you’re sleeping with one of them.”
Mom didn’t used to be like this, but things had changed as I’d gotten older. When I was little, I was her perfect little “Jessie Sunshine,” a doll she could dress up in sparkly dresses and big bows. I was a chronic high achiever who couldn’t fail to make her proud, and when I did, it was devastating.
But a teenager wasn’t a cute little doll you could play dress-up with. Once I started gaining independence and making my own decisions, Mom lost her perfect toy and had to start finding other ways to remain in control. Shame, guilt, relentless nagging…
The years I’d spent away at college hadn’t made her loosen her chokehold. She was only squeezing tighter, as if she knew how fragile her control was.
She’d taught me to accept nothing less than perfection, to be bold no matter what. Why did it surprise her when I used those same traits to make my own decisions?
“Mom, you need to stop.” I tried to keep my voice as reasonable as possible. The screaming matches we’d have when I was a teenager had been completely unhinged, and I didn’t want to hit that level again. But it seemed as if the calmer I was, the more upset she got. Like she wasn’t getting the reaction she wanted.
“Oh, I see.” The sarcasm dripped thickly into her words. “I’m the bad guy now. I’m the villain for looking out for my daughter’s safety. Well, I’ll tell you one thing, Jessica Marie Martin.” She leaned forward in her chair, manicured fingernails spread on the table. “I will not have them coming to my house. If they show up here again, I’ll call the police.”