Page 28 of #PhiThetaForever

1. Get clean/Stay sober

2. Don't miss class, ever

3. Don't miss church, EVER

4. Attend church meetings weekly

5. Remind Lena everyday how much I love her and how sorry I am. Even if it takes forever for her to believe me.

Saving the document, I open my text messages.

Me: Justus. I'm back at UofW. Spoke with Sam today. Joining a meeting thing at the church to get clean. Just wanted you to know. I hope Lena is okay.

I slide the phone into my pocket and shiver as something wet hits my nose. Stopping in the middle of the sidewalk, I look up and smile as light snow falls onto my face. Closing my eyes, I enjoy the cold little pings as each snow flake melts on my skin. My phone vibrates, bringing me back for my moment.

Justus: You joined the support group? I'm a member. We'll talk when I get back. You're doing the right thing, Declan. Lena is . . . hiding it well. Jackson and Candice are here. They're pretty pissed at you, but I'll tell them about you leaving Sigma Nu and the support group. You need to tell Lena yourself though. Stay strong. God's got you.

Clicking my phone to lock the screen, I slide it in my pocket again and resume walking. Justus is right. I need to tell Lena everything myself. Problem is, she won't speak to me. A window display at the local bookshop catches my eye as I walk by. There's a little town setting but all the people are book characters. Lena loves to read, and over the summer even talked about having her own at home library one day.

A smile spreads across my face and I enter the store. I think I know how to get Lena to listen to me, even if it isn't listening to my voice.

30 Lena

My dad is the single best person on the planet. He traded all our tickets in and managed to get four new ones, first class, for the trip home today. Now, I'm sitting in a little box array of seat with Candice next to me, Justus and Jackson across from us, and a table between us. How have I never flown first class before, and can we make this a habit anytime we go somewhere? It's not that long of a flight, but the attendant brings us drinks and a little snack platter. Seriously! A snack platter on a fricken plane ride!

"Lena," Justus says as I sit forward to set my soda down. I haven't eaten much since finding out about Declan's . . . transgressions. Justus gave me hell once over it, and before when this started and the stress got to me. I really don't feel like being scolded again.

"Justus, please save whatever scolding for later. If it's about my lack of appetite, I promise we can eat when we land if it will shut you up."

Jackson snickers and tries to hide is by pretending to cough. Justus playfully elbows him in the arm before smiling sweetly at me. "I wasn't going to say anything about your lack of eating, but since you just promised lunch, I will take you up on that. Declan left Sigma Nu and joined a support group at the church."

"I'm sorry . . . what?" My ears must be going bad.

Justus sits forward and reaches across the table to take my hands in his. I don't miss that Candice and Jackson both turn in my direction. "I've talked to him on and off since the other day. I know, you're going to need a lot of time to ever trust him again, and he knows that too. But he walked out on Bo the day after, and he text me this morning to let me know he'd joined the church support group."

Swallowing the lump in my throat, I sit up straighter, pulling my hands back from Justus'. "What kind of support group is it?" I try to void my tone of any and all emotion. I have to in order to do what I know is right.

"I'm part of it too, Lena. It's for college kids with drug and alcohol addictions. Sets them up with a sponsor so that they can get clean and stay clean."

My heart swells a little with pride, but breaks at the same time. I look Justus in the eyes. "I'm glad he's getting help, and I hope he gets better. But it's too late."

Candice wraps her arm around my shoulder. "Listen to me Lena, even if it take fifteen years for you to forgive Declan and give him another chance, it's okay. I know he's messed up really bad, but I also know my best friend. And he loves your Lena, more than air or football. The Lord says to forgive those who trespass against us. Eventually, you'll forgive him. And it won't be just for him. It will be for you, because being angry at him hurts you too. I can see it in your eyes."

"Candice is right," Jackson says reaching over to lay his hand on mine. "We'll be here for you, every moment, and you do this at your pace. But God has got this, and I still believe that you and Declan are meant to be together."

A stray tear finds its way down my face and I wipe it away with a chuckle. "Declan is lucky he has an army of wing-people, not just one lone wing-man."

We all laugh and after a few moments I find myself staring out the window lost in thought. Deep down, I still feel like Declan is my future. But it's like everything he's done has filled the space between us with a swamp. It's so deep and so thick with disgust that I can't cross it. Nothing will float in it and there's no way to climb over it. He's on one side and I'm on the other. A million miles of swamp and bog keeping us apart.

I look down at my hands and stare at the promise ring on my left hand. This was his promise to me and mine to him. Closing my eyes and leaning my head back, I wrap my left hand around the cross necklace that Declan also gave me. I want to forgive Declan and just go back to the way things were before this school year started. I can't though. It's not that simple. Erasing everything he's done from my memory isn't a simple as right-click and discard. I'm not a computer.

How do you forgive someone who's practically ripped your heart our and then thrown it in a wood chipper? Every time I pull my phone out and look at that screen shot, that's what it feels like. That's why I wouldn't answer the phone for him. Loving Declan is like an addiction in itself. Not matter what he does or says this year, when he looks at me, touches me, or says he's sorry—I forgive him. I'm not doing that this time. He's never going to learn anything if I do. The only thing I've proven so far is that I will forget about what's he done and continue to put up with him hurting me.

Lord, help me stay strong through this.

I sigh and let my mind wander. I need a vacation. Preferably somewhere warm with fruity drinks with cut edible flowers in them.

"Lena . . . Mags . . . Magdalena, wake up!"