Page 63 of #Lovestrong
Lena
Today's my eighteenth birthday.
It's been four days since the Homecoming Dance, four days since I've seen or spoken to anyone, and four days since I left the house. Thankfully, Grandma goes to the school and gets my work every day. I haven't eaten in four days either. Grandpa made it clear this morning that I'm going to therapy tomorrow whether I like it or not.
It's not that I want to stay here. I miss school and my friends. God, I miss Declan. But every time I think of going back, it's like my entire body freezes. I haven't slept more than a few hours since Saturday. My grandma keeps offering me sleeping meds, but I don't want them. Instead, I wait until she and Grandpa go to bed, and then sit in my room and cry.
I keep having these nightmares of Cameron and Camilla, but they always transform into Declan and Candice. Then Jackson. All three of them, lying on the gym floor, staring at the ceiling with their bodies covered in blood. I wake up screaming and begging, realizing it was just a nightmare, and then I'm too scared to go back to sleep. It's like my mind can't tell it’s dreaming and the fear and panic when I wake up is so real, it's physically painful.
God, help me. Please? Tell me how to get past this.
My phone vibrates and I contemplate not picking it up. Declan texts me constantly, but I haven't been able to bring myself to text him back. It's not his fault, and I love him, but the thought of him dying the way Cameron did . . . I don't want to face that. I don't want to even have to think of the pain that would come with that.
Damn him for making me fall in love with him. I was getting by fine for months just by myself. I didn't have to worry about losing anyone because I was smart enough to stop letting people in. Then he came along and now, especially after that stupid prank his sister pulled, it's like my mind won't stop reminding me that at any minute, something crazy could happen and I could lose him too.
I know it's irrational, but I'd rather be miserable and alone, missing him, than face the nightmare of his death. I just can't do it— not again.
"Lena," my Grandma says softly, cracking my door open. "I need you to get dressed and come out to the living room, please."
I groan. "Grandma, I just want to be alone."
She opens the door wider. "Your Grandpa and I have let you be for days. I know you're upset, but you're not going to stay in this room forever. Now, get up, get dressed, and get out here."
I mumble to myself and throw the blankets off, swinging my feet off the bed as I sit up. I shuffle to the bathroom and stare in the mirror. My t-shirt hangs off my shoulder on one side and I stare at the scar that disrupts my skin. There are dark bags under my eyes and my hair is a tangled mess. I'm not getting dressed. If I stay in my pajamas, they can't physically force me to leave the house. I'll get dressed tomorrow when I have to go to therapy.
I brush my teeth and run my fingers through my hair in a vain attempt to not look like a zombie. Doesn't help much though. Screw it. My body aches like I've run nonstop for days, but I'm pretty sure that's just because I haven't eaten.
I freeze as I enter the kitchen, my eyes falling on Declan, Candice, and Jackson sitting quietly at the island with my Grandpa and Grandma. He looks up and as his eyes sweep over me, his brows pull together, concern filling his eyes. Staring at him, it hurts to breathe. I want so bad to run over and hug him, but images from my nightmares replay through my head and I can't take another step.
He stands slowly and walks toward me, stopping a few inches away. I stare at his feet, unable to bring myself to look him in the face. I'm too scared and embarrassed. I feel so bad for shutting him out, and none of my thoughts even make sense anymore. Everything is just conflicted.
"When was the last time you ate something, baby?"
His voice is so soft and loving, it breaks my heart. I shrug and shuffle my feet. I don't want to break down in tears again. It feels like I've done that too much in the months since he's come into my life. A shiver runs down my spine as he runs his fingers through my hair.
"Baby, look at me." He cups the side of my face as I tilt my head up.
When our eyes meet, the pain in his makes the tears in mine spill over. He pulls me forward and holds my head against his chest, wrapping his other arm around my shoulders. I close my eyes as his warmth soaks into me. He's my solace. My safe place. My arms go around him, and I wish I could hold him tighter than I already am. I've missed him so much.
He lets me go and rubs his thumb across my cheek. "Can we stay with you today? Please?"
Running my hands across his back, I nod and fight the fresh wave of tears coming on. He sighs, then takes a deep breath before pulling me against his chest again.
It's like I can breathe for the first time in days.