Page 76 of All That We Are Together

I imagined the rays like that, drawn in a single trace by his soft fingertips, and I shook.

“We ought to go,” I said.

“Yeah. Come on,” he replied, standing.

We didn’t talk the rest of the way, but it wasn’t uncomfortable. I had the feeling we’d put back in place some loose pieces that had long been scattered around. Maybe the puzzle wasn’t perfect, but for the moment, it looked okay. When I watched him driving and singing along with the radio in that deep voice of his, I realized I needed him again in my life. Running away from him wasn’t an option. It never was until I forced myself to do it. Axel was like that strawberry lollipop I didn’t taste for years and years, and then I did, and it became a flavor I couldn’t do without. Addictive.

He drove me to the dorm when we got to Brisbane.

I could see Landon sitting on the steps. I opened the door of the truck before Axel had even parked and got out.

“What are you doing here?” I asked.

“I thought we might see each other tonight.”

“Of course. I didn’t know what time we’d be done, though.”

I could see Landon staring at my tangled wet hair, still flecked with grains of sand. I wanted to rid myself of the feeling of guilt tightening around my throat. I didn’t like feeling that way, so tense, so uncomfortable. “We stopped once the fair was over, and time got away from me.”

“Did everything go well?” He kissed me on the cheek.

I nodded, but I stopped talking when I saw Axel get out of the truck and come over to say hi. He was imperturbable as he shook Landon’s hand, wearing that mask that I hated but that intrigued me in equal parts. Landon asked him if he wanted to go for a drink, and Axel declined, saying he had a long drive ahead of him. He told me goodbye with a kiss on the cheek.

“Why’d you do that?” I asked.

“What?” Landon followed through the open door behind me.

“You know what. Invite him out with us.”

“Is there something wrong with that?”

“No, but…”

“You said you didn’t hold anything against him.”

Frustrated, I sat on the bed when I reached my room and toyed distractedly with a thread hanging from the edge of my dress while Landon observed me as if thinking something. I looked back up.

“This is uncomfortable,” I whispered.

Landon, clearly stressed, replied: “It shouldn’t be, Leah.”

“I know, but it is.”

“What does that mean?”

“Nothing. It doesn’t mean a thing.”

Landon walked over to the window and opened it. The warm evening air flooded the room. I don’t know how long we remained there in silence, each thinking our own thoughts, before I got up, unable to bear the awkwardness any longer and the way it took over everything beautiful we had built up over the years: friendship, trust, safety.

I embraced him from behind and rested my cheek on his back.

He didn’t move, but he also didn’t push me away.

And for the moment, that was enough.

63

Axel