Page 44 of All That We Are Together
“I get it. I’m sure you’ll be able to become friends.” She didn’t seem very convinced of it, though. “Anyway, you’ve both changed.”
“Axel’s changed?” I raised an eyebrow.
“We all do with time, right?”
I had my doubts. Grave doubts. Serious ones. And I thought of a question that I had put out of my mind more than once in recent weeks. I felt bad just for thinking it, for that curiosity that tugged at me as if trying to get my attention.
“Do you know if he…? All this time, I mean. Who cares. Forget I asked.”
“If Axel’s gone out with anyone?” Blair guessed.
Fear overtook me, the fear that my friend could see right through me, and that if she could, someone else could too. I wanted to get up and run out, run away from my memories and the idea that I was still so predictable after all this.
“Girls, dinner’s ready!” Kevin chanted.
I stood up to escape Blair’s searching stare. Luckily, the rest of the night was relaxed, no sore spots, nothing really significant. As always, hanging out with Kevin was pleasant, and before I knew it, I was eating dessert, licking the last bit of lemon mousse off my spoon.
It struck me, strangely, that Kevin was a bit like Landon. Both were cheerful, optimistic guys, open-armed, patient, uncomplicated, and they showed you exactly who they were. I’d lost my opportunity to enjoy what Blair had now, the comfort, the security of knowing your life isn’t going to be a roller coaster with ups and downs, but instead a straight, relaxing road where you don’t even need to bother buckling your seat belt.
Blair accompanied me to the door while Kevin cleared the dishes. We shared a long warm goodbye hug.
“You guys seem so happy… And you deserve it. You were right not to let Kevin get away. The way he looks at you, any girl would die for that.” She smiled and wiped her thumbs across my cheeks. I hadn’t realized I was crying before then. “I swear to you, sometimes I don’t know what the hell’s going on with me; I get so maudlin so easily, I think I’ve got a problem.”
“Feeling things as deeply as you do should never be considered a problem.”
“If that’s what you say…” I laughed through my tears.
“Oh, Leah. Come here.” She hugged me again.
I smiled at her and turned around. I was still fiddling with the lock on her white wooden fence when Blair broke the silence.
“Just in case: I haven’t seen him with anyone all these years.”
I looked back at her, swallowed, and walked away slowly toward the hostel, enjoying Byron Bay, the starry sky, the familiarity that embraced me with each step. When I got to my room, I took a shower, put on my pajamas, and lay down in bed. I dug a strawberry lollipop out of my bag and put it in my mouth before I picked up the phone.
“Did I wake you?” I asked when I heard him on the other line.
“No, I’m sitting on the couch. How’s it going?”
For some reason, even though we’d spoken just a few hours before, I had the sensation that I hadn’t heard his voice for days. And I didn’t like that.
“Good. I had dinner with Blair and Kevin.”
“How’s it feel to be back?”
“Weird,” I admitted. “On the one hand, I feel at home, but at the same time, I haven’t been here in so long that it’s like I’ve lostall sense of time. Have you ever experienced that? Like when you go on a trip and you don’t even know what day it is or anything?”
Landon laughed. I loved the sound of his laughter. I settled deeper in bed, resting my back against the covers and pulling up the sheet.
“I think I know what you’re talking about. It’s normal.”
“Tell me what you did today,” I asked, because for some reason I didn’t want to hang up right away. His voice was so comforting.
“Work. Work, work, work.”
“Fun,” I joked.
“Yeah. So I think I’m gonna go to bed.”