Page 41 of All That We Are Together
“It is an excuse.”
I tried not to smile at her honesty. It was almost as if, after criticizing my sincerity, she was trying it on for size herself. But not thinking my sincerity was real—that burned me, because it was partly true. I hadn’t always been honest, at least not when it came to Leah. I was a goddamn hypocrite sometimes. And she knew it.
I let the whole thing go and concentrated on the road with the radio blasting, thinking of how electrifying it was to know Leah was beside me again; even if a million barriers were between us, it didn’t matter: having her was always better than nothing. It hadbeen before, when I used to prefer her angry, even enraged, to absent and hushed. And it was now, when I no longer knew what was left ofus.
She fell asleep before we arrived in Byron Bay.
I stopped in front of the hostel where she was staying. It was a two-story building with six rooms on the edge of the city, just a short walk from my house. I parked and stared at her a few seconds. Not a sound could be heard. My eyes glided over her long hair, pulled back in a ponytail, and her face, the same one I had covered in kisses years before. I felt the impulse to stretch out my hand and caress her cheek, but I stopped myself.
“Leah…” I shook her slowly. “We’re here.”
She blinked, confused, until she understood where she was; then she sat up and hurried out of the car. I helped her with her enormous suitcase and insisted on accompanying her to her room, because it weighed a ton. She didn’t protest much, probably because she was still half asleep.
We picked up her keys and went upstairs, and I dropped the suitcase on the bed. Her room was small but clean, and the afternoon sunlight was coming through the window that opened onto the back garden.
“When will we see each other again?” I asked.
“I don’t know. You tell me. Supposedly we need to get things ready for the exhibition…”
“Rest for today. I’ll make sure everything’s arrived okay.” I stepped back toward the open door. “See you tomorrow at the gallery at ten?”
“Okay.”
She seemed so uncomfortable that I didn’t want to drag things on any longer, so I waved goodbye, then walked down the narrow wooden staircase.
Despite everything, when I stopped in the middle of the road to take a deep breath, I had the feeling things were suddenly coming together, as if having Leah in Byron Bay gave the city new color, and after years caked in rust, the motor of my life was starting up once again, with all the gears spinning in the same direction.
39
Leah
I took some clothes out of the suitcase and hung them in the closet so they wouldn’t get wrinkled. Then I remembered I was back in Byron Bay, and no one cared whether I ironed my clothes.
I hadn’t slept well that week, so I was tired, but I ignored the feeling and grabbed my bag and left the hostel. As I walked through those streets I knew so well, I called Landon to tell him I’d gotten in.
Then I wandered aimlessly. It had been so long since I was last there that I decided to take some time for myself, without needing to arrive anywhere special, just enjoying the walk, the shop windows, the blue of the summer sky, the mild, agreeable aromas coming from the cafés I had left behind. It was as if I’d hit pause on my life. And though I thought it wouldn’t happen, I felt back at home. I’d grown up here, and now I couldn’t help but remember that this was the place where I’d started painting, where I’d spent afternoons with Blair and my classmates, where I’d said goodbye to Oliver in tears when he went off to college,and he finally gave me permission to use his room when he was away. The place where I fell in love, fell apart, became the person I was right now.
When I reached the boardwalk, I stopped to look at the sea and the surfers climbing the waves. I was sad when I remembered it had been three years since I’d set foot on a surfboard. I’d missed it for months on end, when I woke up at dawn and knew Axel would be out until sunset on our stretch of sea. And now that feeling was so remote that I wasn’t even sure I ever wanted to surf again.
I wound up sitting at an outside table at a café and ordering a caramel cappuccino while I enjoyed the breeze. I don’t know why, but after I’d been there for a while and my coffee was cold, I grabbed my phone and called Oliver.
“What’s up, pixie? Are you in Byron Bay?”
“Yeah, I’m here…”
“You doing okay?”
“I’m just out for a walk, and I keep remembering things.” I blinked when I felt the tears trying to come out. I don’t know why I was breaking down like that for no reason, but I felt a blend of nostalgia, sorrow, and joy at the same time, all jumbled together. “I feel weird, but I feel at home too.”
“Leah, I’m so sorry I can’t be there…”
“I can’t stop thinking about our parents. About how lucky we were, you know?” I wiped a tear away with the back of my hand and crossed my legs under the table. “They were the best parents in the world, and I swear I still miss them every single day. I don’t know if that feeling’s ever going to disappear, and now that I’m here, it’s like some ridiculous part of me believes that I’ll roundthe corner and find them out shopping or laughing while Dad’s whispering a joke in Mom’s ear—remember how they used to do that? How they’d hide what they were saying from us?”
“Yeah.” Oliver took a few seconds to respond.
“I always wanted to know what they were saying.”
“Probably it wasn’t appropriate for you.” He started laughing and sighed in a way that almost sounded like a moan. “I miss them too, pixie. And I’m sorry I couldn’t be with you these days. I tried to put in for vacation, but…”