Page 34 of All That We Are Together

“Sure.” I was about to walk outside, but I stopped when I realized the conversation wouldn’t go any further. Landon said he would go for Mexican at the place a few blocks from his apartment. “Yeah, tacos, sounds great. Nachos are good too. See you later.”

When I hung up, Axel walked over to the door.

“I won’t keep you here any longer,” he said softly.

“I wasn’t trying to…” I started to protest.

“I get it. It’s Friday,” he cut me off.

We walked downstairs. When we got outside, the shops wereclosed, and there was hardly anyone around. All you could hear was the whisper of the trees shaken by the wind and the hum of some cars in the distance.

“So now what?” I asked nervously.

It was the first time Axel looked away. His brows furrowed, and he seemed to be entirely focused on the cracks in the sidewalk and a stone he was kicking with the toe of his shoe.

“I guess one of us should say something like it would be a good idea to start from zero, but it sounds so ridiculous we should maybe just pass. So I guess we can just say goodbye, you can go eat with your boyfriend and I’ll walk back to the university, grab my car, and go home.”

I looked up into the dark sky.

“This is all so…uncomfortable,” I said.

“I know,” he answered in a low tone.

“I hate that.”

“Me too.”

“It’s terrible. It’s weird.”

“It’s just a question of getting used to it.” He uttered these words looking down into his shirt, almost as if he was saying them to himself.

We looked at each other. Axel stepped close and hugged me again, this time less tentatively, harder, as if he wanted to memorize the moment. I wrapped my hands around his neck, and we stayed there in silence on some street in the warmth of evening. His hot breath grazed my ear.

“Have a good time, babe,” he whispered, letting me go and kissing me on the cheek.

I couldn’t move. I watched him walk away beneath the orange light of the streetlamps, lighting a cigarette as he did so. Then he disappeared around the corner. I needed a few seconds to process, but eventually I turned around and went in the opposite direction.

January

_____

(SUMMER, AUSTRALIA)

34

Axel

In theory, my mother loved me. In theory.

Because seeing her shoot lightning out of her eyes wasn’t what I’d call an expression of love. And yet, there she was, looking at me with a face that could have made hell freeze over in three seconds. Lucky for me, Dad restrained her, resting an arm over her shoulders in what seemed to be a relaxed gesture, even if I noticed it was a little stiff.

“How could such a thing even pass through your mind? Showing up at the little thing’s exhibit, just like that?” I tried not to react, but I hated the way she said “little thing” when Leah was anything but. “We go on a trip, then we come back and I find myself with this! You can’t be left on your own!”

I tapped my index finger on my empty plate. “Are there any sodas in the fridge?”

“Dammit, Axel!”

Unfortunately, she followed me when I got up and left the dining room. It was a Sunday, my parents had gotten back the day before, and we’d decided to have lunch as we did in the olddays. We weren’t doing justice to the wordfamily, that’s for sure. I took a deep breath, opened the fridge, and closed it again, not finding anything interesting. My mother was there behind the door, looking at me nervously.