Page 82 of Crimson Kingdom

But I could see now that was never what she wanted. Probably not even what she needed.

“You’re wrong, you know,” I said. She opened her mouth to argue, but I cut her off. “You have always been brave, just like you were today. It was looking up to you that allowed me to feel that way, too.”

“But…” Tears pooled in my eyes. “You’re also right. And if Mac was here now...maybe I would still feel fearless.” I stopped, choking on a sob. “I miss him so, so much.”

“I miss him, too. Every minute of every day.” Avani wrapped her arms around me, and I squeezed her in return.

I hadn’t realized how much we both needed this, to grieve together instead of separately. But for the first time in the year since he died, I almost felt like I could breathe when I remembered my big brother.

CHAPTERFORTY-THREE

Eventually, Avani and I joined the others at the tavern, and we spent the evening telling stories about Mac. It was cathartic, but it was painful, all the same.

When we got back to the castle, I offered to stay in her room with her, but she shook her head.

“I think I need to be alone tonight with my memories of him,” she said quietly.

I hugged her one more time before walking ahead to my rooms. Taisiya was waiting already with a bath prepared. I sank gratefully into the warm water, willing it to soothe away the remaining ache of the day.

It didn’t work.

Mostly, it just gave me too much quiet, too much time to reflect on everything Avani had said.

On everything Evander and I had become.

When I got out of the tub, Taisiya helped me into one of my summer nightgowns. This one was made of light creamy fabric, with a low bodice and flowing sleeves that ended at my elbows.

Being a spy must have given her a unique ability to read people, because instead of my usual nightly tea, she brought me a glass of red wine.

“Thank you,” I told her fervently, and she left with a short nod.

Then I was alone once again.

Every tick of the gilded clock in my sitting room felt like an accusation, like Avani telling me I was wasting precious time being afraid where I used to be bold.

I thought about the time before Mac died, the girl I was then, and I knew she wouldn’t be sitting here right now.

As much as I missed my big brother, I missed that girl, too.

I missed loving freely and without reservation. I missed feeling like that kind of love made you invincible, instead of the other way around.

Avani had said she was healing a little bit each day. Maybe it was time I tried to do the same.

I had memorized this pathway by heart in the short time since Evander had come. Tonight, my feet seemed to take me down the winding hallways of their own accord until I finally ended up outside his door.

When I eased it open, he was lying on his bed, in the middle, just as he had said he did. He was propped up against several pillows, reading by the low light of the lantern on the table next to him, with his chest bare and his hair gently tousled.

He looked up casually when I entered, setting his book to the side.

At least, he was casual until his gaze actually landed on me. Whatever he saw in my features had his lips parting, no trace of their usual mocking lilt.

But for a change, he said nothing.

And I…I couldn’t have spoken if I wanted to. I couldn’t even really put into words why I was here, let alone find the breath to voice them aloud.

An invisible string had pulled me all the way from my rooms to his, and that same force propelled me to cross the distance to his bed. His gray eyes didn’t leave mine, his chest rising and falling rapidly.

The silence in the room somehow felt both natural and endlessly strained, weighted down by everything that had always been between us.