Page 81 of Crimson Kingdom
With that, we both broke down into gales of laughter, the sound echoing off the marble tomb walls and reverberating back to us. We laughed until our giggles turned into something closer to sobs, and Avani rubbed her hands over her face.
“You know, if Mac was here now,” she began, and I thought she was going to finish her sentence with something amusing. But she squeezed her eyes shut. “If Mac was here now, I wouldn’t feel like every single piece of me was shattering all over again every day.”
I clenched my hand tightly around hers, and she looked at me. “But sometimes, I think I get so caught up in that feeling that I didn’t realize what it was doing to you.”
“To me?” I shook my head. “Avani, no. You’re the one who lost your soulmate.”
“And you lost your brother.” Her eyes filled with tears once more. “And your sister, when I retreated into that room.”
“That wasn’t your fault,” I said in a low, earnest tone.
“Be that as it may, the thing is that I... I will never be whole again, but I do feel like I’m healing whatever pieces of me are left. Slowly.” Avani pierced me with her forest green gaze. “But you, little sister… Sometimes it feels like you’re still determined to be your own worst enemy.”
She tucked a hair behind my ear, softening the blow of her blunt assessment.
“I’m fine.” The words came out a whisper.
“No,” she said softly. “You’re not. And you haven't been for a while.”
I swallowed, not responding this time.
“You know, Row,” she began wistfully. “I used to be so envious of you because you were fearless. I had to fight for the confidence I needed to rule. More often than not, I felt like Mac was lending me his.”
My lips parted. Avani had always been the epitome of a future queen. It never occurred to me that she felt like anything less.
“But you.” Pride filled her voice, her gaze. “You were always unapologetically yourself, walking into every room with nothing but boldness. I honestly thought, even though I was older than you were, that there was nothing that scared you.”
I thought back to our childhood, wondering if that was true. It had been easy to feel invincible when we had the entire world at our fingertips. When we had been untouched by death and tragedy.
Avani wasn’t finished. “But I see you with Evander now, and you’reterrified. And I realize that after all these years, what’s truly got you scared...is turning into me.”
“That’s not true,” I said quickly.
But it was, in a way.
“It is,” she argued. “And it’s all right. But I need you to understand something.”
She took both of my hands in her bigger ones, just like she always had when we were kids.
“Yes, I am broken and devastated and empty right now. I have been, for this whole past year.” Avani huffed out a breath, something between a laugh and a sound of disbelief. “I think, though, that you forget about the years before this one. Do you honestly think that I would give up a single second of my time with Mac?”
Now it was my turn to feel disbelief.
“To avoid feeling this way?” I asked. “Kind of…”
She shook her head again. “Life is so unexpectedly short sometimes. Even if I had known Mac was going to die that day, I never would have traded the feeling of loving him with everything that I had just to hurt a little bit less down the line.”
Her gaze felt more pointed with that last statement, and I sighed.
“You said yourself Evander wasn’t all in,” I reminded her.
“Maybe that’s true,” she allowed. “But neither are you, little sister. Not with anything, these days.”
I narrowed my eyes in a question.
“You don’t let yourself grieve.” Exasperation entered her tone. “Not for what happened in Socair, not for leaving now, not even for Mac, after all this time. It’s like you feel like you aren’t allowed to, but you loved him. He was your family.”
Her eyes still brimmed with tears, and I took a moment to consider what she said. I had never let myself face that sorrow, not really. It had felt like taking away from hers.