Page 72 of The Perfect Secret
“Yeah, he saved my ass.”
“He said you’ve been clean for a year.”
“Three hundred and twenty-five days, to be exact. Long enough for me to be long overdue in fixing things with you.”
“Why?”
“Why what?”
“Why did you get clean?”
He waited while the waitress handed them their “breakfast for dinner”—him eggs and hash browns, Hannah French toast. When she left, he took a bite, swallowed and spoke. “I OD’d. In all honesty, I’m not sure if it was accidental or on purpose. The way my mind was at the time, I’m not sure it matters. It happened outside Mike’s restaurant. He took me to the hospital, got me cleaned up and told me his story—told me he could help me, but I needed to want help. I wasn’t sure if I wanted help, or if I wanted company. I’d done a pretty good job isolating myself from everyone. Something told me this was my last chance. He’s a hell of a sponsor, let me tell you.”
“That’s all it took? Some stranger telling you to get clean? I tried for years, so didBubbe. We love you. You’re supposed tolove us. How come our attempts didn’t work?” She couldn’t keep the hurt out of her voice.
“I don’t know. The only thing I can think of is I was afraid of disappointing you and Grandma, of having to deal with your opinions of me. If I failed Mike, he’d get over it.”
She gripped her fork and watched her knuckles whiten. Around her, the sounds of the diner filtered through: cutlery clinking, people talking, chairs scraping the floor. Aromas wafting from the kitchen should have made her hungry. But Jeff’s words prevented her from eating.
“So your not getting clean was our fault?”
“No!” Jeff jumped up and came around to her side of the table. “It was all my fault. I was too ashamed to try and fail, so I didn’t try at all. I had other issues too, issues I’m getting help with, which made me think doing drugs was the best thing for me.” He put a hand on her shoulder. For once, she didn’t flinch. “I’m sorry. If I live to be a hundred, I’ll never be able to apologize enough for what I put you through. But I’ll do anything to prove to you I’ve changed.”
“So what happens next?”
Jeff returned to his side of the table. “Whatever you want.”
“Whatever I want?”
He nodded. “Look, if I had my way, we’d pick up where we left off and everything would be fine and dandy.”
Hannah couldn’t believe what he said. She opened her mouth to speak, but he held out a hand. She waited.
“However, I also know a few things. One, I don’t know where we left off, and going back in time has its own set of problems. Two, I don’t deserve to be treated as if nothing happened. I’ve caused too much damage. While my apology is a start, it can’t wipe the slate clean. Three, my readiness and yours are two different things. It’s up to you. I’d like for us to have a relationship, but I understand you might not want one with me.”
She stared at him, trying to read him, but the only thing she noticed was resignation, mixed with a little bit of hope. Hannah folded her arms around her waist. “I don’t know what I want. I don’t want everything to be so hard.”
He nodded. “Okay, what can I do to make things easier for you?”
“Not be a jerk?”
He pulled away a little, but when she smiled, he shook his head. “Yeah, I can work on it.”
For the first time, Hannah got a glimpse of their old relationship. “So, you’re really clean?”
“I am.”
“What happens the next time you want to use?”
He pinned her with a look. “Han, I want to use every minute of every day.” He reached for her hand. “But I want to be clean more.”
She watched him, waiting for him to look away or make some excuse or joke. But he sat there, holding her hand, and waiting for her. Squeezing his hand, she swallowed. “Can I maybe call you sometime?”
“I’d love you to call me. Anytime.”
He gave her his phone number. “Can I have yours too, or would you rather I didn’t? I mean, I already know the home phone, but…”
“No, it’s okay, you can have mine.”