Page 81 of A Heart of Little Faith

“Where is Lily’s room?” he barked. He didn’t care if he took out his anger on her.

Anne raised her eyebrows. “I don’t think I should give you that information, not when you’re acting like this. Maybe I can answer any questions you have about our company?”

“I don’t have any questions about your company.” He paused.Acting like this?Did she really think he would…The thought made hi shudder, and it was all he could do not to collapse at her feet. “Do you think I’d hurt her?” He continued to bait her, if only to cover his hurt. As if he’d ever hurt her, or any woman, for that matter.

“You’ve hurt her more than you can possibly know, Gideon.” Now it was her turn to stare him down, and his anger evaporated, leaving naked pain in its place. He averted his gaze. Was protecting himself worth causing her pain? What kind of man did that make him?

“Four-oh-eight,” she whispered.

He thanked her, his appreciation demonstrated by his newly found manners, and went in search of her.

Once there, he knocked on the door.

“Who is it?” Her exhaustion seeped through the metal door.

“Gideon.”

“Go away.”

“Please, Lily. I want to talk to you.”

“Why?”

“Lily, please?” He’d made so many mistakes in his relationship with her. His fingers twitched. This was his last chance. His heart raced. He couldn’t go on like this anymore.

Her footsteps dragged as she approached the door. She unlocked it and inched the door open. She blocked most of the entry with her body, the latch in place. “Will you let me in?”

Lily glowered at him. She shut the door, unlatched it and let him in as she leaned against the wall with her arms folded over her chest. She’d changed into sweats. The relaxed lines emphasized her vulnerability, so different from the ice queen in the conference room. She’d always been small, but now she appeared tiny. Her clothes engulfed her as they pooled around her waist and feet. Only the tips of her red-painted toes showed beneath the hem of her pants. Her attempt to look fierce exaggerated her fragility. Without makeup and business clothes, the purple circles beneath her eyes and the strain around her mouth were evident.

“You said I didn’t give you a chance to explain yourself. I’m giving it to you now.”

“Isn’t that big of you,” she snapped. “Why should I bother? It’s not like you’re going to listen anyway.”

Gideon remained quiet. Lily took a deep breath and blew wisps of hair out of her face. That used to be one of his favorite habits of hers. Now it only pained him, because she was girding herself against him. “Please, Lily. I want to hear your side of the story.”If only to prove to everyone I’m right.

“So I’m only allowed to speak when you want to listen? What about what I want?” Her eyes were wide, her voice shrill.

“Lil.” His voice cracked as his throat closed. He clamped his mouth shut as she walked over to the bed and perched on the edge. She reminded him of a bird. He shifted his gaze to the bed itself, and his mind focused on the last time they’d shared one. As if she read his mind, she jumped and moved to the chairs next to the window. Her knuckles whitened as she gripped the edges of her sweatshirt sleeves, bent her knees and rested her chin upon them.

“I didn’t choose anyone. Elaine upset you. Anyone could see that.” She raised her arms, as if it should have been evident to all. “You were like a deer caught in the headlights and I thought the longer you stayed near her, the worse it would be for you. I figured if I could get her out of there somehow, maybe you’d be okay.” She curved in on herself, her voice sad. “I knew you didn’t like anyone manhandling you, or directing you, and I figured it would be even worse if I did it in front of her. I left you on your own and went for her.”

He frowned. “That’s right, you left. You left me. For her.”

Her face paled and bright red splotches appeared on her face and neck as she covered her mouth. She turned away a moment before she met his gaze. “I’m sorry. I can see now how it appeared to you, and how I made the wrong choice, but at the time it felt like the only thing I could have done.”

As he listened to her, really listened, he understood. He’d been blinded by Elaine, by the thought of what she could do or say. He’d ignored Lily. A lump formed in his throat as he realized he’d attributed Elaine’s motives to Lily. He had to explain about Elaine, but he didn’t know if he could get the words out. He had to try, though. If he had any hope of making her understand, he had to try. He moved away from her to the window.

“Elaine and I met at one of Samantha’s shows. I’d never seen a more beautiful woman.” He looked at Lily. “At the time.” He averted his gaze. “I was a pretty superficial guy back then and I thought she was perfect. Beautiful, smart, witty. And shallow, but that never bothered me. She always wanted to have fun, loved excitement, and I spent all my time trying to please her, to think of things she would like. I don’t know if I ever did please her, but I tried. And the sex, well…. I ignored all the other things about her—her selfishness, how spoiled she was, her short attention span—and I just went along for the ride. And it was amazing, let me tell you.” He paused, reminiscing.

“That summer, we’d rented a place in the Hamptons. I drove there late Friday after work, planning to meet her there. She’d gone ahead with friends. I was tired and I lost control of the car.” He gritted his teeth, the haunting memory as real as if he were going through it again.

Trying to focus on anything else, he glanced at Lily. Her lashes were wet and her normally straight posture was stooped. He looked away, once again consumed by memories.

“I drifted in and out from the pain and the meds for days. The few times I woke that I remember, I was alone or Samantha or Stella were with me. Tony came, but Elaine never did.” Phantom pain ran through his legs and lodged in his heart. “I kept asking for her, but…. “ He shook his head. “One day, about a week or so later, she came. I was so happy to see her, so glad she was there. We were alone. She came in and stood at one end of the room. She wouldn’t come near me. I was in traction and could barely see her. All I wanted was to touch her or for her to touch me, but I couldn’t ask her to. The fear on her face changed to scorn. She came over and…” He paused and swallowed hard.

No matter how long ago it happened, it still felt fresh. It was humiliating, and he was about to tell this woman he had loved, still loved if he was honest with himself, all about it. He cleared his throat.

“…and she told me I was no longer a man, no longer anything but a burden to everyone. I hadn’t even had the decency to die like everyone thought I would. That she couldn’t love half a man and I was worthless.” He wouldn’t look at Lily, but stared out the window. Shame washed over him. It clogged every pore, invaded his mouth, his ears and wrapped itself around his body. He couldn’t breathe.