Page 23 of Wrapped in Winter

Just the thought of having to make someone else feel good is exhausting. All my energy is put into making Lily feel good. I don't have it in me to cater to another.

But Drake? He makesmefeel good. He makes things feel easy. We’ve texted almost daily since our date, and we’ve chatted a bit at the store when he’s dropping off deliveries, and it’s all just so easy. I find myself actually relaxing a bit around him. Feeling like I’m not being watched or judged for things I’ve done.

Coming back to Montana was the right thing to do, but I feel different. It's as if I can’t be seen having fun or enjoying life. As if I should mourn forever. If only they knew I've yet to mourn at all.

“And how long was it before then? Years, January, years.” She drawls out the words as if I don’t know. “You're home again, you're surrounded by family and friends. You deserve to go out and have a little break. I know you had a good time with Drake, and there’s nothing wrong with that. You should have more good times with him,” Blossom nudges me and wags her brows.

The four of us siblings are each separated by two years in age, but I feel years older than them. Maybe it’s just being a mother that makes me feel like I’m decades older. They have their own lives, and I don't want to depend on our Mom, and I feel bad for sticking my sisters with babysitting duty. They didn’t choose to have a baby, so why should I make them help out? It’s not fair. And being surrounded by family and friends feels different now.

“You should ask Lief to babysit so we can go out.”

“Uncle Lief!” my daughter cheers, and it makes me laugh.

“Is he your favorite uncle?” She nods her head emphatically. “Don’t tell Uncle Jack!” I snicker as Courtney flips me off.

“Momma, can we go to the nail shop tomorrow?”

My daughter is such a girly girl. She loves to get her nails done and be doted on. I’m probably raising a princess, but I love the time it gives us together. Knowing I need to be both Mom and Dad, I make it a point to do special things with her. I think she’s too young to know she’s missing something, but once she’s in school, it’s going to become apparent. And I’m afraid of those questions. So I try to build our bond tighter every day.

“We sure can!”

She jumps in her spot in front of me. “Yay! I want pink nails!”

I smile. “Me too, can we get the same color?”

She places her hands on my cheeks smushing my face together and leaning in. “Oh yes!”

I laugh at her dramatics as she falls into my lap. I address the girls again. “If Lief knew I was going to the bar, he would absolutely not babysit.”

“I bet he would; he’s got nothing else to do,” Courtney responds.

“Come on, let's go down to the Range. I’m sure Meadow has a boy or three to irritate down there.” Blossom instigates.

Meadow is nothing but a tease and those poor boys she leaves in her path don’t even know what’s coming for them. As if she was summoned by her name, she comes dancing through the room with a beer in hand, spinning as she goes, singing a song about being tipsy at a bar.

“I’ll go, I’m always up for a good time.” She freezes in her spot and points at me. “But you cannot go out like that, January.”

I looked down at my clothes. “What’s wrong with what I have on?”

“You look frumpy, and nobody is going to talk to you like that.”

“What’s fumpy?” Lily asks.

“Frumpymeans old and boring, like your momma.” She looks at me. “It’s shocking you even had a date.”

“A date? Momma, you had a date?” Lily gets very excited over this news, clapping her hands and giggling. “Momma went out with a boy? Did he look like Prince Eric from Under the Sea?”

I laugh at her reference to the Disney prince, when Meadow drops an innuendo, “It was abigdate, baby girl.” I give Meadow the death stare.

“Can I go on a date?” Lily asks.

“No!” We all say at once, and she jumps. I cuddle her close and then swat at Meadow as she comes close, giving Lily a kiss. “Don't tell her that. And I don’t want anybody to talk to me. I’ll just go out with you guys for a little while since you’re dragging me anyway.”

“I think there’s one that you want to talk to, and once we get down there, you are going to spill everything about your date. We’ve waited almost a week.”

“The more you stay silent, the more shots you get until we get the full story.”

I roll my eyes at my two sisters and best friend who are staring at me. “Whatever. Do you have a shirt I can wear? I'll keep these jeans on.”