Page 160 of Down Beat
- Next card is where I told you I love you.
Jesus. My heart echoes my footsteps as I rush through to the bathroom. Still no sign of Rey.
- Songs written before you left: all about hate and despair.
- Songs written after you left: about you, the future, and ultimately overcoming adversity.
- Next card is where you told me you’d stay.
I stack the three cards I have in my hands, taking four short steps to see that yes, I did walk past one on the way in here. My hand shakes as I reach for the envelope propped against the wall.
- You might think I haven’t changed, but not all progress can be seen by the naked eye, kitty. You wanted to know why I wasn’t still angry at you after you left. Because after I lost my shit, after I cursed you out for lying to me, I realized something pretty fucking important…
I flip the card over, looking for the rest.
“You left because you love me.”
Sweet baby Jesus.… “I did.” I turn to face him, the rush of my heartbeat a roar in my ears.
How ironic it is that when I know the guy intimately, he makes me this nervous. I couldn’t have cared less about his status the first time we met, but now… I care about everything to do with him. The stakes are that much higher now that I know what I have to lose.
“You know why I did the rehab?” Rey steps forward, dark and foreboding all kitted out in his signature black.
“Because your manager said you had to?”
He ducks his head, taking a deep breath as he slings his hands in his pockets. “Because I owed you that much. You told me you wanted me to prove that I could love myself, but you forgot something, kitty.” He tilts his head, eyes critical. “I couldn’t love myself when I remained the reason why you weren’t there. It was a catch-22.”
I guess it was. “I never saw it like that.”
“You’re an essential part of me, babe. I’m never as happy as I am when you’re with me. And you know what? That doesn’t show how dependent I am on you, it shows how fucking valuable you are.” He edges forward again, slow as though to give me time to protest. “Is that such a bad thing, to mean so much to someone?”
The lump in my throat won’t ease, no matter how many times I swallow. “No. It’s not.”
“So why are you running?”
Damn him. He stands before me, a simple man asking for the truth. Yet he may as well be there with a freaking mirror propped between his hands.
This whole thing, my reasons for doing this… they were always about me.
“Do you remember what you said to me when I asked you why you kept pushing me away?” I ask.
“I said that I’d rather you left me angry, than broken.”
I nod, the hurt I’ve buried these past months free-falling from my jaw in tiny droplets of truth. “You know what happened when you said that?”
He shrugs, another step closer.
“It struck me how much I cared about you, what I’d give up for you. And I told myself that it wasn’t healthy having that kind of connection with somebody. That I needed some level of independence. But you know what? I lied to myself that day, right before I lied to you.” He’s so close now, close enough to touch. Yet still I can’t. “I’m afraid, Rey.”
“Afraid of what, kitty?” His breath ghosts my face as he leans in close enough to kiss me if he wanted.
“Afraid that you would break me. I wanted to leave before you broke me, too, but not because I was angry. I wanted to leave heartbroken knowing you were alive and living without me, before I had to leave heartbroken because you weren’t.”
“You were afraid of staying in case I took my life?”
I nod, too ashamed to meet his eyes. “It’s selfish, I know. But it would have ruined me, Rey.”
“Was it better?” he asks gently. “Living with your heart in pieces to avoid it being broken?”