Page 139 of Down Beat

“Can’t I?” I choke out.

Rey wanted to stay in bed all day. Oh, God. It begins. My stomach knots, my eyes on fire with my determination not to cry. It’s no use: the stress needs an outlet. And because I deny myself the right to bawl like a little bitch over what I’ve done, my body picks the only other option.

I launch from the bed and barely make it to the bathroom before the remnants of last night’s dinner come back up. My hands shake as I reach for a towel, the jitters never really having stopped since they began as I shut the hotel door behind me.

Why the hell am I doing this to myself? For him. If only he knew the price I’m willing to pay for love. He probably thinks I’m blissfully going on about my life, content with what I’ve done. But I’m not, and I can’t decide if letting him know that this hurts me too is a good or a bad thing?

Probably bad.

“Are you okay?”

I nod, wiping my face before looking to Kendall. “Can you do me a favor?”

“Anything, babe.” She edges further into the bathroom.

“Take my phone and delete the message thread with Rey.” Don’t be sick again. Everything will be fine.

“Are you sure?”

“Not really.” I let slip a sad laugh. “That’s why I need you to do it.”

She leaves, my heart thundering in my ears as I strain to follow the sounds of her moving through the apartment. Relief mixes with the strange sense of loss I get as her footsteps track closer.

“Before I do.” Shit. “Do you want me to tell you what the new ones say?”

I shake my head, too weak to voice my answer.

“Last chance, Tab.” She stands with her thumb poised over the screen in my periphery.

“Do it.”

Kendall drops a loaded sigh before whispering, “All gone, babe.”

I guess this is kind of what it would feel like if he died.