Page 138 of Down Beat
FORTY-EIGHT
Tabitha
“No More Tears” – Ozzy Osborne
I threw up before I boarded the plane, nauseous the whole way home. Kendall bundled me into bed, seemingly concerned at the fact I wasn’t bawling my eyes out and surrounded by a mountain of wadded-up tissues. I told her I’d be fine, that I hadn’t eaten properly while following the band around, and that all I needed was a few days of good food to set me right.
Yet, as I roll over and curse the sunshine that comes through my open curtains, the swirling in my gut reminds me of how easily I can lie these days.
Stress. It’s nothing but stress. How do I know that? Because the first thing that crossed my mind, right after I realized I fell asleep last night without closing the curtains, let alone getting undressed, was whether or not I’d find a message on my phone to tell me Rey had done something drastic.
Please be okay. I can’t even fathom how my life would be expected to carry on if I’d caused him to waste his. I’ve unloaded my trust in the three guys that love him unconditionally, Kris the only one who knows why I left, and hoped that they can continue to do what they did before Rey found me.
Or did I find him?
Gah. I don’t know anymore. Nothing makes sense.
My chest feels weighted as I roll to my side and retrieve my phone off the nightstand. I silenced it last night after sending Kendall off to work, frustrated by the constant pinging of my messenger. I relegate the name at the top of the notification banners to my subconscious, blindly tapping through to see who the missed call I received yesterday is from.
Unknown Number.
Huh. I wonder if he has Rick onto me, if he’s running that poor guy ragged on some ridiculous crusade to get in touch with me. Bit full of yourself, aren’t you, Tabby? Maybe he doesn’t even care? Maybe Rey has defaulted to the usual and pretends that everything’s fine?
Guess I’ll only know if I check my messages.
I open voice mail first, setting my phone on speaker and listening while I rub my eyes with the heel of my hands.
“Where did you go, Tabitha? Give me a ring; it’s Toby. We need to talk about this, girl. You’ve got my number.”
I don’t need to discuss squat with him. I’ve done what none of them have been strong enough to do, it seems. I’ve slung Rey over that cliff edge and left him to scramble back up alone, just to prove to him that he can do it.
“Hey, babe.” Kendall pops her head around my door and looks toward the phone in my lap. “I heard that so figured you were awake.” She slips in the room, settling herself on the foot of my bed. “How are you feeling?”
“Rotten.”
She sighs, her eyes soft as she looks me over. “You’re braver than I am.”
“How?” I drop a bitter laugh.
“I couldn’t do it. I would have followed him around like a lovesick puppy, slowly ruining myself in the process. I don’t know how you do it, switch feelings off like that.”
“Because I haven’t.” I slide down the bed and pull a pillow over my face. “What if he tries suicide again? How the fuck do I live with that?”
“I don’t know,” she murmurs.
Great. I’m not the only one who can’t process my current conundrum. “I did the right thing, didn’t I?”
“I think so.” The weight of her hand is reassuring as she rubs my leg through the blankets. “Give yourself a distraction today and go for a walk. Do some door-knocking if you’re really serious about getting a day-job.”
“To be honest, hon, I might do it tomorrow. I can’t think straight today.”
I want to cry into my cereal and pity myself for sabotaging something so real, yet at the same time I’m too proud, even now, to do it.
I left Rey to prove a point. What would he make of me if I ran back to him apologizing for standing up for what’s right?
Would he even forgive me after what I’ve done?
“What are the plans for the day?” Kendall tugs the blankets from my body, giving my ankle a slap for good measure. “You can’t hang out in bed all day.”