Page 28 of That Summer
Oh.
She shifted in her seat, trying to find a comfortable position but it seemed pointless. Everything made her uncomfortable. “I don’t know. Guess that’s why I’m here to see you.”
“Okay. So your top three things on your list include your former boyfriend–”
“Who I’m trying to win back.”
“His brother.”
“My new best friend.”
“And your other best friend.”
“Yes.”
“How do you think we can use those three things to avoid feeling lost?”
She swallowed hard. Her eyes darted around the room, staying on an object only long enough to say its name. Cool air from the AC brushed over her shoulders, causing goosebumps to ripple across her arms. “I already spend a wicked tonne amount of time with Lucas. He practically lives in my apartment.”
“Does that make you happy?”
Using her fingernail, she picked at the dry skin around her nails. “It doesn’t bother me, if that’s what you’re getting at.”
“When he’s not there, do you feel alone?”
She got a good size piece of skin and gave it a solid rip. “Physically?”
“No. Mentally.”
Ouch.
She put the bleeding finger in her mouth and sucked it clean, giving it a wipe on the edge of her sleeve. “It’s nice having him there. It’s comforting in many ways. But yeah, when he’s gone, I feel it. And I hate that feeling.”
“Of dependence?”
“Yes.” The bleeding wouldn’t stop. She reached for a tissue and pressed a wad of it against her finger.
“Why?”
“Because I’m just waiting for the day when he’ll walk out the door and never come back. I know it’s going to happen.”
“Why?”
Her hands flailed through the air. “Because they all do. At some point, everyone walks out of my life. Derek did. My friends did. Nate did. It’s only a matter of time before Lucas does too.”
“Actually…” Dr. Navin reached for the folder once again. “If I read the notes correctly, you pushed Nate out. He never actually walked away.”
“Well, he’s not making any grand efforts to get back in now, is he? His planned retirement has since gone up in smoke. Just like his desire to be with me. I’m vapour.” She pressed her back into the couch and crossed her arms over her chest, huffing slightly.
“What is it you’d like?”
Leaning forward, she said, “For once in my fucking life I’d like to be fought over. To feel special enough that someone wants to be with me, and they’ll move heaven and earth to do it. To be heard when I speak up, and to know they hear me when I don’t. I want to feel like I deserve a better life than the one I’ve been given.”
“Maybe he is fighting for you, and you just don’t know it.”
“Really? He’s dating another girl. He’s not going to retire anymore. I’d say he’s given up.”
“Men are funny creatures.”