Page 141 of Torn

“Did anything ever… happen?” I can barely even get the words out.

“No.” He shakes his head and reaches for my hand. “Never. I would never do that. I loved them both.”

“But you were jealous that he got her?”

“In the beginning, yeah. It bothered me a little. He could have had anyone and he took away the one girl I liked, like it was nothing.”

I pull my hand away from his and rub my arms. “This is making me feel sick.”

His mouth falls into a worried frown. “Why? Kenzi, nothing ever happened. We were just kids. I spent maybe an hour with Ember before Asher showed up. We all became best friends. And then you came along and everything kinda just fell into place.” The look of anguish on his face is tearing my heart apart, but I feel betrayed that he’s never told me about this. We’ve talked about everything over the years, but never this.

“What do you mean, fell into place?”

“I don’t know. The moment I looked into your eyes, everything felt different to me. I felt like I finally had a purpose. To take care of you. You changed my entire life, Kenzi, and you’ve continued to do so. Being around you always made me feel at peace. I don’t know how else to explain it.” He lays his hand on my leg as he struggles with trying to explain himself, his brow creasing. “But it’s always been there. It’s just gotten stronger as the years have gone by. Maybe I’m fucked up but I’ve kinda started to think of it as fate that brought us together, that it all happened for a reason and we ended up exactly where we’re supposed to be.”

Yes. That’s exactly how it’s always felt.

I smile in agreement. “I’ve always felt that way, too. Like you were mine. I just feel a little betrayed that you never told me you had had feelings for my mom. Why would you never tell me about that?”

“I just didn’t think it was important. We were fifteen. All we ever did was talk,” he repeats.

“Am I like some kind of replacement for her? In your mind?”

His face contorts as if I’ve slapped him. “Fuck no. How can you even say that to me? What the hell, Kenzi. Do you not know me at all?”

Tears form in my eyes and I’m not even sure why this has hit me so hard. I feel jealous and somewhat shocked. I reach for my jeans on the floor and pull them on, zipping them up.

“What about the hospital after her accident?” I ask. “You were there a lot. I saw you holding her hand all the time.”

“Jesus, Kenzi. She was one of my best friends. We didn’t know if she was going to live. Why are you acting like this? Are you jealous?”

“Yes. Okay? I do feel jealous and I don’t understand why you never told me about this. I’m worried maybe you’ve had feelings for her this entire time or something.”

“That’s insane. I never told you because it happened a million years ago. Nothing ever happened. I never even kissed her.”

“It’s more the feelings you had for her that bother me. The song, the lyrics—”

He puts his hand up. “That’s asong, Kenzi. With elaborations to make it better. Your father changed a lot of the lyrics. I haven’t been pining for Ember for years if that’s what you’re thinking.”

“I don’t know what to think. First Sydni is on your bed kissing you, and now I find this out. It’s a lot, to me. Like ghosts are all around us.”

“This is what I mean. I’m an adult, Kenzi. I have a past, and yes, that past includes a few women. I’m sorry that you don’t have a past with other people, but if you did, you’d understand what I’m talking about. That shit is over and done. You know damn well Sydni has crept back over the years, but I ended things with her permanently.”

I pull my pink T-shirt over my head and reach for my shoes. Isuddenly just want to be alone. I’m not used to feeling jealousy at all, and I hate that I am. I know in my heart that he would never lie to me, but I still can’t make the jealous stabs to my heart stop.

“Now you’re going to throw my age in my face?” I say, mostly to deflect my own feelings.

“No, I didn’t mean it like that, and you know it. I’m just pointing out that you don’t have any past relationships, and I do, and we can’t change that. But it doesn’t change my feelings for you.” He pushes the sheets off the lower half of his body. “Why are you getting dressed? Are you leaving? We have another hour we could spend together.”

My heart tugs to crawl back in bed with him, but I’m afraid I’ll keep asking him questions to appease my sudden insecurities. “Yes,” I reply reluctantly. “I just want to be alone for a little while.”

His eyes search mine. “Why? We had a great day and you’re going to let this wreck it? Something that happened when I was fifteen? That’s stupid.”

“Well, thanks, Tor.”

He stands and comes around to where I’m sitting on the edge of the bed putting my shoes on. “Angel, I’m sorry. I don’t know why you’re so upset. You know I love you with every fiber of my being, and only want you. All that crap is in the past and it’s silly for you to even think about it.”

I turn to face him. “How did my mom feel about you over the years? Did you guys ever talk about feelings for each other?”