Page 123 of Torn
“Ash, that’s great news. Do they think the drugs wil—”
“No,” Kenzi pipes up. “You can’t let Mom be some kind of guinea pig.”
Asher looks at Kenzi like she just slapped him. “Of course I would never allow that. But if they think it might bring her back, how can I not let them try? I can’t live with myself unless I know I’ve done everything possible to help her.”
“Dad, you have. There’s nothing you can do. She’s brain-de—”
“Kenzi, stop,” I say, shaking my head. “There have been cases where patients have woken up. I’ve read about them.”
“Exactly,” Asher says. “It’s rare, but it does happen. It could happen with her. She’s young, and healthy, and she has a lot to live for. Shewantsto live. I know she does.”
Kenzi shakes her head. “I just don’t want you to get hurt, Dad. You know I want Mom back just as much as you do. But all this stuff scares me. Experimental drugs? I don’t want anything bad to happen to either one of you. At least now… she’s peaceful. She’s sleeping.” Her voice cracks with emotion and I reach across the couch and grab her hand without even thinking if it will raise a red flag.
Asher thinks nothing of it and that makes me feel like shit just as much as it gives me hope. I should probably let go of her hand, but I can’t. Not when she’s near tears and squeezing mineso tightly. And this—this—is what Asher is feeling. The love of his life squeezing his hand.
“I know… but if she woke up and could talk, and move again… I could bring her home. We could hire a live-in nurse while she recovers.”
Now his hope is starting to climb to unrealistic levels and that’s not fair to him or Kenzi.Or Ember.So I try to gently step in. There was a time for a few years when we did this dance several times a week and none of us can live like that again.
“Ash, she may not come back like that,” I say quietly. I hate to kill his buzz in any way, but Ember suffered a severe brain injury. The chances of her ever being able to talk and make full sense are slim. “I think you need to really think about this long and hard and grill the shit out of the doctors about the experimental drugs and any case studies they have.”
“I plan to. I’m just excited aboutanyhope at this point. I know she hears me. I can feel it. She knows I’m there.”
“I’m sure she does,” I agree, because I honestly do believe that wherever Ember’s brain has gone, her heart knows that he’s there with her.
I have an entirely new respect and understanding for the intense love that Asher feels for Ember now, because that’s how I feel about Kenzi. I would do anything for her and I’d never be able to give up on her.
“Kenzi, why don’t you come with me next week? I know it makes you uncomfortable, but maybe if she hears your voice, too, it will help.”
I already know she’ll say no, and he does, too. Kenzi can’t handle seeing her mother like that and I don’t blame her at all. It’s not easy in any way to see someone you love hovering somewhere between life and death. After the accident, Kenzi would sit nextto Ember’s bed for hours and just cry and beg her to wake up. After having a few meltdowns that required the staff to give her sedatives, her grandmother and her aunt insisted she stop going.
“I can’t,” she says tearfully. “Please, Dad…”
Fuck.I hate that I can’t put my arms around her and comfort her like I should be doing if this situation weren’t so screwed up. This is sheer torture.
“Tor, tell him please, I can’t,” she begs, and it’s not unusual for her to put me in the middle. She’s done it her entire life when she’s scared or upset. It just feels way worse right now.
“Okay, let’s all just calm down,” I say. “You know how uncomfortable she feels there, Ash. Why don’t you wait until after you talk to the doctors more, get some more info, and then we can decide if Kenzi should go. I’ll go, too,” I suggest. “Maybe hearing all of our voices together will help. Maybe she’ll remember the old times.”
Asher nods. “That’s a good idea. I’ll definitely be getting more information and meeting with the specialists. Kenzi, you know I don’t want to upset you. I would never make you do anything you don’t want to do.”
Kenzi stands and crosses the room to give him a big hug. “I know, Dad. I’m sorry. I love you and I just miss Mom so much.”
“I do, too. That’s why I want to do whatever I can.”
I excuse myself and go into the bathroom to give them a few minutes alone. Once there, I stare at myself in the mirror and splash some cold water on my face. I want Ember to recover, and I know we all have to hope and think positive, but I don’t want to see Asher and Kenzi get their hopes up only to have them shot to hell all over again. I could never voice this to them, but what if Ember did wake up but was absolutely nothing like herself? What if she can’t speak, but instead moans and cries? What ifshe thrashes around and twists her body, instead of lying peacefully as she is now? They’ll never be able to cope with seeing her that way.
I leave the hall bathroom and check my bedroom real quick. It feels weird having Asher in my house even though he’s been here more times than I can count. I’m worried something personal of Kenzi’s could be lying around in a place it never should be in. Like her panties tangled up in my bedsheets. Not that Asher would be in my bedroom, but still.
When I join them, I’m glad to see they’re playing with the dog and the kitten and the mood is lighter and happier. Seeing them together in my living room playing with my pets only reminds me of how much I love them both and how I can’t even consider losing either one of them. I wish I could pull Kenzi into my arms and snuggle on the couch with her and have Asher join us for a movie and just be a happy family. We’ve done it a hundred times and now suddenly it’s all taboo and wrong.
When Asher tells us he’s going to head home, Kenzi tells him she’s going to stay for a while to finish watching our show and he hugs us both goodbye before he leaves, oblivious.
Betrayed.
Ifeelsick. Kenzilookssick.
Somewhere in hell, Satan has just pulled out a bag of marshmallows and is roasting them in my honor.