Page 122 of Torn
There’s so much I want to say, yet I can’t find the right words.
So, I will say the only thing that I can say with utter truth.
The only words that honestly
say everything that needs to be said. And heard.
I love you the most.
Always.
TOR
It’s possible I’ve lost my mind, but I don’t care. I’m too happy to care. If I’ve gone insane, then that’s okay. I’ll own that shit. I’ll wear it like a badge. I’ll be Captain Crazy.
I’ll do anything. I’ll be anything. As long as it means I get to spend my life with her.
I want to throw myself on the Asher gauntlet. I want to get the poison out in the open and give the wound air to breathe. And hopefully heal.
I want to move forward. I’m already tired of hiding and walking on the thin ice of the situation, waiting for a huge fucking crack to form and suck us into the lake of deceit.
Every night for the past few weeks I’ve sat on the floor with Diogee and Kitten, and I’ve dumped out the change from the glass bottle to roll up in those little paper rolls. Most of these old glass jugs are five gallons, but this one is bigger, probably around eight gallons if I had to guess, and I wish my father or grandfather were still alive so I could ask them what it was originally used for.
The hours that it takes every night to count and roll the coins doesn’t bother me. With every quarter I place in the paper roll, with every minute that ticks by, I reflect on the past. I think about the present. I hope for the future and what I can have. A wife. A family. A love that transcends time, age, titles, and social expectations.
I don’t add up a final total until I’m completely finished and have a fairly large pile of rolled-up coins in front of me that Kitten decides is a mountain that she must climb.
Six thousand twenty-five dollars and one cent.
Yup. There was one lone penny in that entire jar and it was at the very bottom, so I put it back in, because I feel like it’s good luck now.
When the time is right, God willing, I’m going to ask my best friend for his daughter’s hand. Yeah, that sounds fuckin’ crazy. I get it. But I want his blessing.Weneed his blessing. I’m going to make him see how much I love her, and how serious I am about committing to her one thousand percent. I have no idea when or how that’s going to happen, but in the meantime, I’m going to find the perfect ring so I can propose when the time is right.
It’s Friday night and while I wish I could take my girl out to a nice restaurant for dinner, we had a great night being us. She met me at my house after work, and then we drove around for about anhour hanging up two hundred lost dog posters she had printed earlier using the laser printer we purchased. Then we set up a new trap for an older lost dog that’s been sighted a few times in a field a few miles away. On our way back home, we stopped at a drive-through and ate cheeseburgers in the parking lot while listening to our favorite music.
By the time we get back to my place, it’s still relatively early, so we decide to start watching season one ofVikings. Just as we get comfortable on the couch all tangled up together, there’s a knock on the door.
“Shit,” I curse as Kenzi moves away so I can get up. I swear it better not be Sydni here to try to resurrect things.
When I open my front door, I’m surprised to see Asher standing there.
“Ash. Come on in.” I try to sound casual as I close the door behind him.
“I saw your Jeep in the driveway. I’m glad you’re both here,” he says to Kenzi, and I see the flash of fear in her eyes as she looks across the room at me.
Kenzi sits up. “Yeah, I helped Tor hang some flyers and we were just going to watch some TV before I went home.”
“You want a beer? Iced tea?” I ask him, trying to act normal. He knows Kenzi hangs out here all the time, so it’s not new or sketchy. It doesn’t scream WE’RE HAVING AN AFFAIR.
I hope.
“Nah, I’m good, man.” He takes a seat in the chair in front of the window and I go back to the couch but position myself at least two feet away from Kenzi. “I’ve been at the facility all day. She’s been squeezing my hand.” He flexes the fingers of his right hand as he talks.
“Daddy… the doctor said those are muscle spasms.”
“Kenzi… let him finish,” I say softly. Asher’s excited tonight, and even more hopeful than he usually is, and I don’t think we should push him down. Hope is all that keeps him going when it comes to Ember.
“I know,” he says. “That’s what they’ve said in the past, but it’s a little different now. She seems to be responding to my voice. The doctors are discussing the possibility of some experimental drugs.”