Page 10 of My Bully's Crush: Vol1

I was proud and pissed at the same time.And that right there is one of the reasons we didn’t make it.My selfishness, my immaturity, fuck this weed.It’s the only drug of choice that doesn’t numb me but instead brings me such clarity that it’s the only time I see myself.

I bawled in that car like a baby for a good half an hour, my emotions bouncing all over the place from one thing to the next.One minute I was making up my mind to make a rebuttal song; if this is the game she wants to play, let’s play.And the next, my heart was breaking in two for her, for us, and the love we’d lost.

I cried myself out and felt even worse.There was no relief for me, no escape from the images her words had conjured.Even though we’d been split for years now, somehow, this song felt like goodbye, and the shit damn near broke me.

What did you expect, Ryder?Did you think that she would spend the rest of her life pining for you?Hiding herself and her talents away forever?“Yes, dammit!”The steering wheel took the brunt of my anger, and so did my hand, which bled all over me like a stuck pig.I wish I hadn’t listened to this song; I wish I hadn’t come here.How dare she write a song about not loving me anymore?And why does it feel like my heart had been ripped to shreds in my chest?

I jumped from the car just in time to empty my stomach in the grass, her words playing over and over again in my head.I threw up until there was nothing left and still kept heaving until my vision blurred.I didn’t even have the strength to climb back into the car at that moment, so I just passed out on the grass wishing for everything to stop and leave me the fuck alone.

***

*Janie*

“Slow down, Janie; please calm down; you see, look, his car is not even here.He didn’t go to her.”My eyes scanned the area of her driveway over and over again as if Ryder’s car would magically appear.I’d been almost certain that he was coming to her after how he’d acted, but now that he wasn’t there, I didn’t know how to feel.

First, I needed to get my breathing back under control and maybe put my thoughts in order, but that was easier said than done.No one knows better than me how just the thought of him being with her makes me crazy, like legit homicidal.He could be with and do almost anyone or anything else, but she is my limit, and it sucks that this had to happen now in front of everyone when I’d worked so hard to keep up the façade that had worked so well for three fucking years.

It must say a lot to my friends that this was the first place I’d come to find my husband, and if any of this got out, the whole world would probably laugh at me, but right now, I wasn’t in the right head space to give much of a damn about any of that.For the first time in three years, well, since the very beginning, when it was all new to me, I felt the mask slip.

However much I knew that it was dangerous to do so in front of this bunch, tonight, I couldn’t help myself, not after the look I’d seen in Ryder’s eyes.I could almost see her reflection there even though she wasn’t in the room and hadn’t been anywhere near him since he put his ring on my finger.

For the first time, I felt my hold on him slipping, and it left me feeling wild and out of control, the way I always feel when she’s involved.It had been quite some time since I’d had this feeling, though.I thought after we got married, it would be over; this sick feeling of loss and being alone even when the one I wanted was right there next to me, but it has only grown worse.

Now, the fun we’d had behind her back when they were together was gone, and all I felt was his hate from him.Hate and disgust, as if the very sight of me annoys him.It terrifies me to think about it, but I know I’ve seen real hate in his eyes and heard it in his voice when we talked, and it started the day we got married.

I’ll never forget that dead cold look he’d given me immediately after the vows were exchanged.It was almost as if, for a second, he’d known the truth, and I’d never felt so much fear and dread before and after until tonight.That same look had been there again as if somehow the drugs had cleared for a minute, and he knew the truth.

When I first saw it on our wedding day, I’d looked around at the others, my family and friends, to see if anyone else had noticed, but they were all laughing and smiling, all so proud of me for finally getting him there to the altar.No one seemed to have noticed his shift in gaze, and by the time I looked back at him again, the look was gone, but I knew what I saw.

I’ve been trying all this time to shut it out, to turn things around, but to no avail, it seems, if tonight’s episode was anything to go by.It made no sense; he wanted me when we were running around behind her back or those times when he came to me when they were taking a break from each other, so why hasn’t he touched me in the three years since we’ve been married?

Why has he been keeping me at arm’s length all this time?He’s been doing the bare minimum, only keeping up the end of the bargain that I’d had to beg and plead with him for, that he didn’t embarrass me in public, and that we always showed the world a united front, not only for my image but his as well.

The fact that he was always high had helped with that a little, but somehow, the drugs were no longer working as well as they used to.Even though I knew he was still under my control somewhat, something had changed.

I reminded myself to talk to his doctor in the morning to see about upping the dosage, still not understanding how he could’ve beaten the effects to this point.He, too, had lost his composure and let his mask come all the way off when he had been so careful not to before.

Sure, the drugs helped in that regard.While he was high and out of the loop, it was easier to control him; he was easier to manage.So what happened tonight?Why was he able to pull himself together enough to get behind the wheel, and that look in his eyes, did that mean it was over?

No, I can’t lose him now.Not after all that I had gone through to bring us together.But that coldness, I can still feel it, like shivers down my spine.There was such hate and venom in that one look before he walked away that my head was still spinning.Why had he changed in the blinking of an eye?

There’d been no warning, no leadup to his outburst, and I could think of only one explanation for it.As always, there could be only one reason for that, her.Elena Gianni, the bane of my existence.I’ve never hated anyone as much as I hate her.Why does he still like her so much when I’m better in every way?

I’m prettier; at least all my friends say so.I’m thinner and taller; I’m all the things I made myself into just for him.I’d spent years, ever since I first saw him backstage at one of my dad’s interviews, and had fallen in love, making myself ready for the day he would be mine.

I didn’t know then how I was going to do it.He was older than me, of course, and I was too young to date anyone, but that day I knew, and that knowledge has been the center of my existence ever since.We were meant to be; I was and still am convinced of that.Even though he’d dated many others throughout the time it took me to grow up, I never let it bother me because I knew that was the way of Hollywood.

It wouldn’t matter, though, once we got together.Even when she first came on the scene, I wasn’t worried.But then everyone started linking their names together in that stupid way the fans have of showing their support for their favorite couples.

I started worrying more when years went by, and they were still together, still going strong, and the fans loved them.You couldn’t look anywhere without seeing something written up about them.By then, I was old enough to date, just barely, but it was time to put my plans into action, and I did, with the help of my family and some of my newly acquired friends.

I hadn’t been idle this whole time.I’d learned everything I could about the two of them, especially her.I’d already learned everything I needed to about him; now it was her I needed to learn so it would be easier to get rid of her.

Dad had worked his magic behind the scenes, and while no one was looking or seeing me as a threat, I put my plan in motion.My new friends had no idea what my goal was, though some of my old acquaintances from back home knew since, as a young teen, it was hard to hide my obsession from them.

I wasn’t worried about them, though, since they were not part of the elite inner circle and would never make it to LA.I’m not sure what dad had done after we joined the church where all the stars congregated; that was the first step everyone said to take.It beat trying to find out where Ryder was going to be at every given moment, which is something I’d done in the past and still did, truth be known.

After running into him at church a time or two, it had been easier to get closer to him because now he knew I was a safe and familiar face.But she was always there as well, always close to him like a second skin.Still, I’d been able to outwit her, and, in the end, he chose me.