Page 122 of Fight for You

"It kills me to know you wanted to die," I whisper, my voice hoarse. My heart aches when I say the words, the same way it always does when I think about her wanting to give up and die. Losing her would destroy me. "I hate that you've been feeling like that for so long and had to face it alone."

"It's not your fault," she mumbles. "You're the reason I didn't do it. I…I thought about you and about the possibility of being pregnant, and I couldn't go through with it. I don't want to die. I just…I didn't know what else to do. I've been messed up for a long time, Cade. I feel like what happened is my fault, and it's overwhelming. I don't know how to handle feeling like I'm the reason my mom and Titan are dead."

"I understand that, sweetheart." I slide one hand up the side of her face and run it through her hair, scratching her scalp with my blunt nails. "But you gotta know it wasn't your fault. Titan loved you and wanted what was best for you. That doesn't make it your fault though, January. You didn't kill Titan and your mom."

"I know." She blinks at me again, the pain in her eyes wrecking me. "I still feel like it is, though."

"I feel like it's my fault, too," I admit, exhaling a pained breath. "I think we've both been overwhelmed for a long fucking time, feeling guilty because we survived and Titan and your mom didn't. Losing them kills me."

"Me too," she whispers, tears welling in her eyes. "I feel so guilty. All the damn time, I feel guilty that I'm still here, and they aren't. It isn't fair."

"It isn't fair," I rasp, my throat aching with emotion. "It'll never be okay or fair or make any goddamn sense. But I never want you to feel like dying is the only option because it isn't." I take a deep breath and then exhale it slowly. "But I also know I can't fix it for you, just like you can't fix my shit for me. We've both been holding onto a lot of baggage that we have to find a way to live with before it drags us both down. And I think we need to do that before we start thinking about bringing kids into this world."

She bobs her head and then licks her lips nervously. Something a lot like sadness crosses her face before she quickly schools her expression, trying to hide that emotion from me.

"That's not me saying I don't want kids with you," I tell her, knowing that's where her mind went. She still doesn't understand how much I love her. Hell, just knowing she's thought about having my kids makes me feel fifty feet tall and bulletproof. I want to beat on my chest and roar like Tarzan, but I can't do that. I'd look like a jackass. Instead, I tell her the truth. "I've thought about you pregnant with my kids so often over the years it's ridiculous."

I'm the last motherfucker who should have been dreaming about a wife and kids, but I did it anyway. Fantasized about what my life would be like if I was someone worthy of this incredible woman.

And then I'd look around and realize I was still in hell. It felt like having my soul ripped out of my body every fucking time.

"You have?" Her gaze flies back to mine, full of hope.

"Hell yeah." I grin at her and then shake my head, bemused because she still doesn't get it. "You're all I've thought about since we were kids. That won't ever change for me. I love you, baby girl. I always have. But I've fucked up enough with you. I can't do that anymore."

"What are you saying?" she whispers.

"I'm saying that you mean more to me than anything else ever will, and I can't risk losing you," I tell her, not mincing words because this is too important. She's too important. "I can't be selfish when it comes to you, not any longer. I know what it's like to live in this world without you. I was without you for 2,793 days, and it didn't work out for either of us. So, as much as I want babies with you, there's shit we both gotta do first."

She stares at me, not saying anything. Tears shine in her eyes again. I can't get a read on whether they're happy tears or sad tears, but I have to finish this and hope like hell she thinks a future with me is something she's willing to fight for once I've put it all out there. If she isn't, it'll rip me to shreds. I'll spend the rest of my life trying to change her mind if that's what it takes…but I want her to choose me, just like she did when she was thirteen and kissed me for the first time.

"But before we get there, you need to know something. And you probably aren't going to like it."

She swallows audibly, worry filling her eyes. "What?"

"After I told you the truth about what happened back then, I went after Kaleo," I murmur to her. "I got intel that he was pimping out teenage girls. I'd warned him once to leave you alone and to stop fucking around with selling women, but he didn't listen. I couldn't let it stand. I took everything from him. Before he attacked you, he hit back."

"What happened?" she asks, her voice a worried whisper.

"He called in an anonymous tip to LAPD." I blow out a breath. "I'm under investigation in connection with the murders of the Diablos who killed Titan and Jana. I was taken in for questioning the day you came home from Mariah's."

Her hand trembles as she reaches out for mine, clinging to me.

"I don't know if I'm going to face charges or not," I admit, shifting around when my knees start to ache from being on the floor for so long. I don't move, though. For another chance with this incredible woman, I'll stay on my knees, worshipping at her feet for as long as she'll let me.

She's quiet for a minute, processing this news. "I don't want you to go to prison," she whispers then, two tears making silent tracks down her porcelain cheeks. "I just got you back. I'm not ready to lose you."

Her words give me hope, but I push it down, refusing to feel it until the entire truth is out in the open. Secrets almost destroyed us once. I won't let them do it again.

"Do you remember what happened when Kaleo came after you?" I ask, stroking my thumbs along her cheekbones in slow passes to soothe her.

A shadow drifts through her eyes, and she grimaces. "I got my gun from the safe and came back for you," she whispers, that sweet voice trembling.

The fact that she owns a gun and knows how to use it is still fucking me up. I'm proud as hell of her for looking out for herself but pissed she had to do it.

"You didn't see me, but he did," she says. "When he saw me with the gun, h-he turned and shot me instead of you. I know…I know I killed him. I'm not sorry about it." Determination and anger flash in her eyes, turning her into that little lioness who fights like hell to protect what belongs to her. "I'm glad he shot me instead of you, Cade. It's the only reason you're still alive."

"Fuck," I mumble, pressing my head to her arm as a current of chaotic emotion runs through me strong and fast. My heart clenches in a vise. If I had to choose between us, I'd sacrifice myself for her every damn time. I love and hate knowing she'd make the same choice for me. I love that she believes I'm someone worth saving. I hate that she took a bullet to do it.