Page 51 of It Destroys Me

“I need to be brave?” I spun around and faced him, not the least bit deterred by the remorse in his eyes. “I watched the woman I loved turn to fucking bones right before my eyes. Held her fucking hand and brought her flowers and talked to her like we had the rest of our lives, even when we only had days. But I’m a coward?” I didn’t feel the tears until they were heavy, until they overflowed like a river and streaked down my cheeks. Then I slammed both hands into my chest. “But I’m a fucking coward?”

He held my stare with growing remorse, his blue eyes the most vulnerable I’d ever seen them. “I—I didn’t know you were carrying all of this?—”

“Because you don’t have a clue what I lost. Be grateful every fucking day that you don’t, asshole.” I sniffed and quickly wiped away the tears, bringing myself back to calm within my next breath.

“I am.” He spoke with a quiet voice. “You know I’ll protect Astrid with my life, Theo. Maybe you aren’t ready to say it, but I know how you feel about her.” His eyes shifted back and forth between mine. “I know she’ll wait forever to hear you say it back.”

I turned back to the elevator because the doors finally opened. “Do me a favor and keep this to yourself. If you’re fucking capable of that.” I stepped into the elevator and hit the button again, desperate to get the fuck out of there.

Axel put his hand on the door to stop it from closing.

“Axel, I’ve never hit you before, so don’t make me start now.”

His arm stayed on the door, and he stared me down.

“I mean it.”

He finally released the door and stepped back.

The doors shut, and the elevator began its slow descent to the garage. I focused on the metal door before I slammed my fist into it and dented it right in the center.

I was the only one in the Underground.

The last bartender had tried to fuck me before she left, as if pussy would cure the blues.

I ignored her and poured my own drinks. Didn’t realize the time until Astrid texted me. Are you okay? It was almost eleven in the morning. I’d been out all night and had no idea the day had already started because there were no windows down here.

I didn’t go home because I didn’t want to deal with her.

I didn’t want to deal with her now.

I ignored her, my mind fuzzy from the lack of sleep and the quantity of booze. I’d been awake for over a day, and I’d probably collapse on the bar top at some point.

She called me next.

I ignored it. I felt like an asshole for doing it, but I knew she was okay. It was in her best interest not to talk to me because I would just ruin her whole fucking day. Would say shit I didn’t mean. Sabotage the first good thing I’d had in my life for a long time.

Minutes passed, and my phone was quiet.

Then I get a text from Axel. Call Astrid.

I sighed in annoyance, irritated that she’d run to Scarlett in a panic.

And tell me you’re alright.

Fuck off.

Thank you.

I took a deep breath and let it out slowly before I texted Astrid. I’ll be home in a couple hours.

Her dots immediately appeared. You’re okay?

Yes. Now leave me the fuck alone.

She must have sensed my mood even over text because she didn’t message me again.

I couldn’t drive, and I couldn’t ask my guys for help. Looking weak in front of the men who followed my lead was career suicide. I finally left the Underground before the others started to arrive again. Went through the door of the restaurant, and all the workers stopped what they were doing to stare. They’d never seen the door open before because it was locked during business hours. And I’d been there before the manager unlocked the restaurant doors, so they must have realized I’d been there for hours. “Carry on.”