Page 38 of It Destroys Me

I felt the jolt of terror at the question. I was blinded by the flashlight he pointed at my eyes. “I told him to fuck off.”

“And that was all it took? Then you should have said that at the beginning.”

I did.

His eyes were never kind like Axel’s. They were fierce, intelligent, sharp. Even in our most intimate conversations, he rarely showed warmth. His eyes didn’t soften at my compliments. He seemed to always be on guard, even with me. “I’ve never lied to you.”

I knew he smelled my bullshit—and called me out on it.

“At least by choice.” He didn’t ask the question again verbally, but his eyes continued to dig into my flesh like a shovel. “So, are you lying to me willingly or because you think you don’t have a choice?”

There was no escape. My eyes shifted away to avoid his angry stare.

“Look at me.”

My arms crossed over my chest.

“I won’t ask again.”

“Theo—”

His hand went to my chin, and he turned my gaze on him. His fingers were as gentle as a bee landing on a flower. He didn’t yank my face toward him, just gently guided it until it was where he wanted. “There.” His arm rested on the desk between us, and his stare burned into mine with such hostility and more heat than the surface of the sun. “Now, answer my question.”

I didn’t know how to answer it. Didn’t know how to circumvent the precarious position.

“Tell me what you said to him.” He didn’t raise his voice, but his impatience was as loud as a scream.

I didn’t lie because he seemed to know my tells now. Seemed to have stared at me long enough to understand all my reactions like details scribbled on a notecard. So I went with the truth and hoped he would leave it alone. “I—I don’t want to.”

The anger in his eyes told me he wouldn’t let it lie. “Why?”

“Because.”

“Because…” He gave a slight nod, but it was a sarcastic one, the anger visible in the tightness of his arms. “I’m willing to give up my life for yours, but you can’t tell me what you said to him?”

“That’s not fair?—”

“Bolton gave me a choice. I can give you back and get my brother’s remains back. Or I could keep you…and let him throw Killian’s bones in an incinerator. You know what I chose, but you can’t fucking tell me what you said to him?” He raised his voice. He looked at me in a way he never had before, like he hated me. “Good to fucking know.” He slammed his hand down on the desk before he rose to his feet, pushing back the chair until it tipped over behind him.

“Theo, listen to me. It’s not what you think it is?—”

He grabbed the rifle and headed to the door. “How can I think anything when I don’t know anything? This is the guy who punched you in the face, but you still keep his secrets.”

“It’s not his secret.” I followed him to the door. “Theo, please just let this go. I beg you.”

“So you’ll tell him something but not me?” He looked at me before he opened the door, his disappointment heavy like a pile of snow on a mountainside about to slide down in an avalanche.

I knew he wasn’t ready to hear how I felt. Our relationship was still beginning in a lot of ways. It would put pressure in places where we were weakest, and we would crumble. “Please…just trust me.”

Disappointment was still in his eyes, the curtains drawn closed over the windows. He unlocked the door and opened it to walk out.

I knew I was going to lose him no matter what I did, but this wasn’t the way I wanted to lose him. “He said he would kill you, and I said he would have to kill me too, because I’d rather die than lose you.”

He halted but didn’t turn around, his eyes still toward the parking lot.

“Because I love you.” I felt the terror the moment I said it, felt his hand slip from mine forever. The only thing he’d offered was to try. Try to have something that might fly. But before we could even achieve lift-off, I burdened it with too much weight. “That’s why he hung up.” I turned away from the door because I was too scared to see his reaction. He would be either disappointed or annoyed. Might even feel the ick because of my clinginess. Our relationship finally had its first spring and bloomed, and then I brought the rain. I stepped farther into the gallery so I wouldn’t have to watch him leave. So I could sit and give my legs a chance to recover from the shakes.

But then I heard the click of the lock…followed by his footsteps.