Page 77 of One Kiss Isn't Enough
“Carter told Sebastian and he told me,” Chloe says, answering the unspoken question. “I brought everything for cheesecake,” she adds easily with a genuine smile. She doesn’t look at me like I’m broken, but that’s because she doesn’t know me well. She doesn’t see how off I am like Aria does. She can’t tell that I’m damaged goods because she doesn’t know what I was like before. It’s comforting, really.
“So?” she questions. “Is something going on?”
“What do you mean?” I have no idea what she’s referring to. “Something is always going on.”
“Well, have you guys been doing family dinners where this is normal, or is this a way for the guys to keep us in line?”
“I never thought about it like that.” The murmured words are accompanied by a deep line settling into my forehead as I consider it.
“If something’s up, Bastian better tell me,” Chloe comments as she unloads the contents of her bag on the table.
“No, nothing’s up. It’s a little tense right now. But no more than usual. The only thing eating at Carter is a cop who’s getting to Jase. He caused a little stir yesterday.”
“How do you know for sure?” I ask her.
“Carter keeps me updated. We have a little ritual. It calms him and keeps his head clear to talk things out.”
“I can’t imagine how that could be calming.” I don’t realize I’ve spoken until the words are out there and the room goes quiet.
Chloe’s huff is amused when I look at her with wide eyes. “You’d be surprised how much a conversation is worth.” Her gaze falls for just a moment, but I see it happen. The haze of a smile falls along with it. “How have you been?”
Aria’s been popping grapes in her mouth, but she pauses when Chloe ventures into that territory. Her bump isn’t so visible. Our babies would have been about a month apart.
It’s hard to contain the deluge of emotions.
“You can say it sucks. Or that it hurts. Or that you’re better or worse… You can tell me to shut my mouth too and mind my own damn business,” she offers after rattling off a list of appropriate responses.
I feel like it’s my fault. Like I should have known better. I say the words in my head, because I can’t admit them. Not to Aria and Chloe. Not to Daniel. I don’t even want to know that’s how I feel. But I do.
“We should make dinner,” I suggest in a whisper. “Just because I’m suffering a loss doesn’t mean I can’t be happy for all we have,” I add and Chloe gives me a small smile that doesn’t reach her eyes.
“The dinner for the non-worrying mob wives,” Chloe jokes.
“We are not the mob.” Aria hisses the admonishment before eating another grape. “It’s been hectic and there’s always something to worry about, but?—”
I don’t want the tears to fall, but I can’t hide them. My face is hot and my breath comes in short pants. The next inhale is harsh, and with it, both women come to me. “I’m sorry,” I say, and my words are strangled as I rush past them for a napkin on the table so I can stop it all.
“Don’t say that. Don’t be sorry for crying. I’ve always thought that was the silliest of things.”
“It’s good to cry.” Aria’s voice is so soothing. She is my rock in all of this. She’s steady and we share so much in common. She grew up in this life though. She didn’t run away from it all. “Sometimes crying — showing mourning, showing vulnerability — leads to the best things.”
I respond with the one truth the last six months has taught me and say, “You can’t be vulnerable in this world.”
She counters my statement as I swipe the napkin under my eyes, drying them, calming my breathing and feeling foolish all over again.
“Of course you can,” Aria corrects me. “We all are. Trying to hide that isn’t going to fool anyone.” She emphasizes, “We’re all vulnerable.”
All I have in response is a sniffle and then I rest my head on her shoulder. “I didn’t mean to cry though; I don’t want you to think seeing you guys makes me sad.” I can barely get the statement out, because it’s not entirely true. Still, I don’t want them to think it.
We hide truths like that, don’t we?
“So, weird thing,” I blurt out, cutting off Chloe, who no doubt has something sweet to say, and instead I help her move all the items on the table to the counter as I speak. It’s back to business, back to cooking for this non-worrying dinner. “Did you know Jase has a girlfriend?” I ask them and my tone is so much peppier than I feel. I heard once though, if you speak like you’re happy, you’ll start to feel like it.
“Carter told me a couple of days ago. She’s funny but with a dry sense of humor and she’s very blunt.”
“Sounds delightful,” Chloe jokes.
“She’s also coming to dinner, I think.”