Page 25 of Rudimentary Distortion

“Am I supposed to forget everything because of some lyrics he wrote for me?”

“No,” Cain says, shaking his head. “You’re supposed to forgive him because you love him.” His hands move to the bottom of his black sweater, and he pulls it over his head.

“What are you doing?”

Cain smirks, and my anger grows to new heights. He steps toward me and grabs my wrist.

I stare at his thenar web space and notice the word “Satan” in cursive. “Did you get Lars’ stage name tattooed on your hand?”

Cain’s chuckle is a deep rumble. He lifts his other hand, where “Tinkerbell” is etched in the same place. “Got one for you, too. Did you not notice when I had my hand wrapped around your throat?”

I didn’t.

I was so immersed in the mind-blowing sex that small details were the last thing on my mind.

Cain steps closer, and the sexual allure of his body makes my head spin all over again.

I shake my head. “I’m not going to fuck you right now.”

“Slow your roll, Billie.” He places my palm against his chest. “Did you know Lars hasn’t seen me without my shirt for nine years?”

“What? How is that possible?”

“I usually top him, and he doesn’t question it. Just goes with the flow.”

I gaze at my hand on his chest, noticing the black ink beneath. “Why?”

Cain lifts my hand, exposing his flesh, and I gasp. A broken heart formed from half of my face and half of Lars’ is etched on his skin.

“Because of this. You mean something to me. To him. We’ve survived without you, but that’s all we’ve done. A moment of joy always lives in the shadow of immense loss. I knew it wouldn’t bring you back, but I wanted a tangible reminder of you. So it’s the two pieces of my heart that have remained broken since the day I lost you.”

No single emotion can fit this moment because they all fight for dominance. Pain from the years I’ve lost with Cain. Sadness at how much he suffered by choosing between two people he cared for deeply. Anger that Lars could have talked to us instead of shutting me out and making Cain pick up the broken pieces alone. But above all these emotions, the loudest is love. My love for both these men has burned all these years and will burn for as long as I draw breath.

Cain gently places his fingers under my chin, his eyes somber and warm. “You think this is impressive? You should see the tats he’s sporting.”

My throat closes as a lump forms, and breathing becomes difficult. “Some ink doesn’t make the past disappear. It doesn’t wipe away the guilt, the pain, the struggle. You two left me behind and didn’t look back until I showed up on your doorstep.”

“Did you see the book? I’ve got one too. Full of lyrics. We never left you, Billie. Not in our hearts, not in our minds, and not in our souls.” Cain grips my hand as he bends to capture my eyes. “Forgive him, Billie, because if you don’t, I’ll be back in thesame spot I was ten years ago. I’ll have to pick again, and this time, I’ll pick you.”

“No!” I shout, ripping my hands from his grasp. “You can’t put that kind of pressure on me. I won’t be the reason you’re miserable for the rest of your life. You don’t get to do this to me, Cain. You’re not walking away from music. What you two have is magic, and I won’t be slandered as some fuckin’ Yoko Ono.”

Cain shrugs. “Lennon did some good work after the Beatles. So did McCartney.”

“But they were never the same.”

“You better forgive Lars, then.”

I want to forgive Lars. There’s nothing I want more than to be in the arms of these two men. But the pain of the past still sits heavy on my heart, and as much as I want to shake it off, I can’t.

Logically, I understand we were kids. Not even the average kind. The trauma of our respective homes did so much damage, leaving scars inside and out. We were kids from dysfunctional homes. We were broken in so many ways. Until we found each other, we didn’t know what love was. That’s why my heart hurt so badly when I no longer had them to turn to.

Cain frames my face with his large hands. “We love you, Billie. We’ve always loved you. I promise you’ll never regret it if you come back to us.” He kisses my head and pulls me to him. “Come back to us.”

“Where is he?” I whisper against Cain’s solid chest.

“In our suite. I’m pretty sure we’re gonna have a huge ass bill for the damage and never be welcomed back.”

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