Page 32 of Killer (Project)

“Diesel.” The way she said my name with warning had my cock growing hard. I prayed that in death, I would find peace. I also hoped God would allow me to wait for Maggie at Heaven’s gate.

“Mags.” I said her name with just as much warning, raising my eyebrow up at her. This tug of war game we played was amusing, yet frustrating at the same time. She knew all the right buttons to push on me.

“I don’t want you to feel guilty for giving into me. For giving us a chance. I don’t want you to think that when you die, you’re leaving me here all to my lonesome because you’re not.” What she was saying caused a stirring in my chest. My heart rate accelerated. I could never force myself to think about what would come.

“Look at me.” She placed her small hand against my cheek. The warmth of her hand against my skin made me want to sink into her touch. The days were growing endless, and I knew that one day I wouldn’t wake up. I needed to treat every touch of her skin as a remembrance allowing her to heal me from the outside in. She didn’t know it, but she cleansed me.

“I regret nothing. I don’t regret the fact that I have gotten to know you. That I learned what makes you tick. That I touched you and devoured you in ways that were unimaginable. I don’t blame God for bringing you into my life. You made me whole, Maggie. You brought the best out in me, even when I didn’t think it was there.”

Her soft sigh reminded me of what it was like to live, to feel, to be alive.

“I just don’t want you to feel guilty. I don’t want you to be on your deathbed and question if it was the right thing. I don’t want to be seen in your eyes at the end of all of this as guilt.”

I leaned into her, her smell surrounding me, calling to me in ways I never thought possible. My lips pressed softly against her forehead. Never would she be an object of guilt. No, she would just be mine.

“You will never be seen as guilt. You will always be seen as my Mags. The woman who opened my heart to new things, and allowed the man who was dying inside to live on the outside. You gave me one last chance at love.”

“I love you, Diesel. I love you for loving me, for protecting me, and I’m going to miss you more than anything when you’re gone.” I could all but see the tears streaking her face. She would be lost without me. Hurting. Broken even. But somehow she would find the strength to carry on, and in her, she would carry my spirit—my love.

“When the time comes, you will know. You will never be alone, Maggie. You will never fear anything. I will be right beside you—inside you. Breathing the same air as you and matching the beat of your own heart. We are one being. One soul in two different realms. Do you understand that this isn’t the end? It’s simply goodbye... for now. Not forever. Not when I’m in here.” I pointed to her heart.

She moved in my arms, her tears smearing against my shirt. I could hear her quiet sob and understood her pain.

“I don’t want to lose you after just having found you. I don’t want this to end.” She bawled into my shirt, her fists squeezed tightly as she brought them up to my chest. I could feel the tremors running through her body as she fought for control over her emotions, and a soft smile crested my lips.

She was living, she was feeling, and that’s all I ever wanted for her.

“It will be okay. It’ll be like a band-aid. It will hurt really badly in the beginning, like when you’re first pulling it off, but then after a while the pain will subside. You’ll look at where the band-aid was and remember the pain you felt, but will feel no longer and you’ll remember the scar that the pain created.”

“I don’t want to lose you.” She cried harder.

“You’re not losing me.”

“Yes, I am. You’re leaving. I won’t be able to touch you, feel you, or kiss you anymore. I won’t get to laugh with you anymore, and I will be so alone. I’ll lose my best friend—my everything.” I held her against my chest.

“Someday, you’ll look back on this and laugh. I promise,” I mumbled into her ear, her hair blowing against my face.

“Nothing about losing you is funny. You’re dying, Diesel. Dead, gone. Part of the ground.” She was freaking out, which was normal, but I had finally found peace. Not just that—but I had a plan. I wanted to be able to be here, but there was no way I could tell her that. If the day came it all worked out, then I would.I just needed to admit that I needed the treatments, and I needed to pray that it would give me just a little bit more time with her.

“Whatever happens, you will always be mine.”

“There is no whatever happens. Death will happen. It will take you from me without notice. That is what will happen.” I rubbed my hand across her back and pulled her in tighter wanting us to become one. Then I placed another kiss against her skin and reveled in the feeling of love.

She was it. She was love.

eighteen

maggie

“You’re such aslut, Maggie. How could you put out to Roger not even two days after your boyfriend’s death.” The insults were hurled at me left and right. Their lies penetrating my truths. The pain inside of me radiating outward. I just wanted it to stop.

“Wake up, you stupid bitch.” I could feel a burning in my face as a hit landed against my cheek. I forced the pain away, succumbing to the dream. The dream was bad, but the reality of it all was worse.

“I didn’t do it. I didn’t sleep with him,” I cried out as they continued to pelt me with hurtful words. I was dying without him.

“You did, you little fucking whore.” I shook my head, wanting the hurt to go away. If only you could’ve taken me with you, Diesel.

“Look at me.” A hand wrapped around my throat and my eyes drifted open. My focus was off as I was in and out.