Page 16 of Needing His Touch
“I can do that. I’ll pick you up when I’m through with work, or if the roads are better and you feel comfortable with Bernie driving you, he can bring you back here.”
“Oh God, Gabe. It’s kind of hard to think when you do what you’re doing with your hands.” Her voice is soft and dreamy, enjoying my massage.
“Want me to do more? The couch you’re on hasn’t been broken in yet,” I tease, my hand going past her socks, meeting the smooth bare skin of her legs.
“No, well, yes, but maybe later?” She lifts her head off the back of the couch, amber eyes meeting mine. I can see the hunger in them, and damn it, I want nothing more than to take her right here. This morning clearly wasn’t enough for both of us. “As far as Bernie driving me home, I’d rather you do that. I’m sure he’s going stir crazy, too.” She takes a deep breath, emotion building in her entire body. “I don’t want anything to happen to him. I’ve never had anyone like you or Bernie to care about or to care about me, and the thought that something could, it makes my stomach sink to my toes.”
I’m off the coffee table, kneeling on the ground, spreading her thighs, and wedging myself between them. My hands cup her cheeks, body on top of body. It’d be better if we were naked. That’s just me being selfish. Right now isn’t the time for that. “I want your full attention on me when I tell you this, Carsynn.” She nods, lips pursed and hands going to my forearms while hitching her legs over my hips. “I get that shit was bad for you before you rolled into Plaine Hill. I’m not sure how bad, and soon you’ll tell me, when you’re ready. I’ll be here to listen. Now, I know you’re gun shy after the accident. I would be, too. I can promise you this, I’m going to be damn careful today and every other day. My goal is to come home to you every night and wake up to you every morning.” She blinks away the tears as much as she can. What slides down her cheeks, my thumbs wipe clean.
“Gabe,” she tries to interrupt, and as much as I love the sound of her voice, she needs to hear this more.
“One more thing, fairy, then the floor is yours. Bernie and I have lost a lot in our lives. He’s extra careful, and so am I. He calls me three times a day when I’m not in town. He called me every ten minutes like clockwork when I was out searching for you. The phone rings while we’re snowed in, and he’s calling to check in on us, or I’m doing the same to him. Bernie won’t do anything to take that away from you or himself.” She nods, her lips quivering, and she’s falling a-fucking-part. All I can do is hold her until she settles down.
18
CARSYNN
“I’m sorry. I swear I’m not usually a crybaby,” I blubber into Gabe’s neck as he holds me while I have a meltdown like a four-year-old when they don’t get the toy they’ve been eyeing at the store. Gabe wraps me up in his body further. A sheet of paper couldn’t fit between the two of us with how close he’s holding me.
“You have nothing to apologize for. You need to cry, let it out. You need to scream, let it out. You need to hit something, let it out. I’m here for you, Carsynn, no matter what.” I suck back my tears along with other gross fluids that an ugly jag makes you let loose. Through it all, Gabe remains my rock. A man I only dreamt about having, one who you only see in book boyfriend material. And while he may not be my boyfriend, fiancé, husband, or really a label. What he is, is everything to me.
“I’m okay. My past, it’s not pretty. My parents are addicted. Dad to alcohol, Mom to drugs, mainly pills, but I’ve seen the track marks, too. I don’t know why I stayed for as long as I did. Their addiction took over my life, made me realize they loved their vice more than me. My mom, God, she was the worst of the pair.” It’s hard for me to look at Gabe while I admit how much my parents didn’t like or love me. I’m still dealing with my childhood trauma. I’ll be a work in progress, there’s no doubt about it. It’s hard not to have flashbacks or worry you may translate your past situations into your future. Especially when there’s a relationship involved or children. What I do know for certain is I’m going to work on breaking the cycle. My children will know they’re loved and adored, unconditionally. I close my eyes for a moment, a memory hitting me like a ton of bricks. Mom pushed me to hide in the closet, turning off the lights and telling me to be quiet, or else I wouldn’t get dinner that night. I was only seven, thinking it was totally normal until strange sounds came through the thin door. There were lots of slaps, thumping, and screams. All I could do was move away, huddle myself in the corner, and wait. I hugged my legs to myself until the noise became unbearable. My hands slapped over my ears so hard I was seeing stars. I stayed quiet, though, even when I was whimpering with the need to go the bathroom. I did what my mom said. Still, when she opened the door and saw the state I was in, tears and snot running down my face, head held in shame because I couldn’t hold the need to go the bathroom, Mom snatched me up by my arm, marched me into the bathroom, told me to clean up in the nastiest way possible, and still I went to bed hungry.
“Look at me, fairy. You don’t have to tell me everything. I can piece together enough to know you went through a lot.” This man, he amazes me. No one, and I mean no one, has ever made me feel like he does. I’m not a number in the world. I’m a person, his person.
“I’m alright. I want to get this out and then close the door on my past forever.” Gabe stays where he landed, hands still cupping my cheeks, tears still streaming down my cheeks, and he’s trying to wipe them down. It’s at this moment I realize I’m at peace. This crying jag is cathartic. It’s for the girl who lost her childhood because two people were so selfish they couldn’t think about their child.
“As long as you’re sure.” He doesn’t look sold on the idea. Hopefully, this doesn’t have him running for the hills and hiding from the overly emotional woman after we’re done.
“I went to school, walked to and from, which worked well considering their apartment wasn’t too far away. I was guaranteed breakfast and lunch. Not sure who made that happen. My parents would never bother with doing paperwork, so maybe the school saw the poor girl and took mercy on her. I made sure to stay as late as possible, reading in my teacher’s classroom or helping her clean, anything to stay away. That worked until middle school, when I found the local library and did the same. My goal was to remain hidden. The less I was seen, the better it was. Then high school came around, and I became more aware of my body, wore the baggiest clothes I could, and hung out at the library when I wasn’t working in order to have food, power, and water. It wasn’t until earlier this year that I knew it was time for me to make my escape. I wasn’t living, I was surviving, and it was damn lonely. I made a plan, worked doubles, and saved money. Once Mom was finally out of the apartment, made my break.” I don’t tell him about the leering eyes, the way my mom looked at me with jealousy, or how my dad ignored me more and more. I didn’t think he was that bad of a person. He didn’t yell or scream like Mom. He just sat on the couch, drank himself into a stupor, got up each morning to go to work, and repeated the cycle.
“Something else happen, Carsynn? Your mom had people over, your dad wasn’t around much?”
“God, no. I mean, there could have been opportunities. Luckily, the fire escape was out my bedroom window. I’d leave if things got sketchy. The library was my safe haven when I was younger. As soon as I graduated high school, even had full ride scholarships, stupid me didn’t take it because I thought they would change, obviously that was a mistake on my part,” I take a deep breath, in my feelings about how I let that slip through my fingers. “I thought my life would be work, hide, sleep, and work again. An endless cycle.” Finally, my story is over, and the heavy weight on my chest feels like it’s been lifted.
“Carsynn, you amaze me.” Gabe must have gotten uncomfortable with how we’re sitting. I’m lifted, his knees going behind my thighs, he wraps my body in his arms, and then he’s settling on the couch, this time with me on his lap. I really liked the weight of his body on me, a comfort of sorts, but this way is nice, too. Every way with Gabe McCoy has been perfect. I only hope it continues this way for a good long time.
“I don’t know about that. Some have it worse.” I shrug my shoulders.
“You are, fairy. So damn amazing. The sperm donor and a womb donor are not parents. The titles mother and father do not pertain to them. I’ll bust my balls ’til the day I die to show you how amazing you are until you believe it, too.” His words are conviction. He won’t let me say otherwise.
“Okay, we can share the title. I’m here now, and I thought my bad luck followed me. Turns out I was wrong. My luck changed the day you walked into the diner.”
“Fuck, fairy, not gonna get anything done now. Shit will have to wait, since your words hit me in the heart and in my dick, Carsynn.” I snort out a burst of laughter with his proclamation. He further proves his point by flexing his hips.
“Oh no, you don’t. I need to get over my fear. Eventually, I’ll have to get behind the wheel of a vehicle, and Bernie is waiting on us. Plus, you have work.” I dip my head. Gabe cups the back of my neck, pulling me down. My good sense falls by the wayside. The only thing that matters when his lips are on mine is it’s just the two of us. The sweep of his tongue along my lips, the way my breath chases his, and I’m lost in everything except Gabe. He doesn’t help matters by the fisting of my hair in his hands or the way his other hand is pulling his clothes up, baring my body to the cool air. “Gabe,” I breathe into him, my body shivering when the palm of his large hand meets the cheek of my ass, heating me instantly. I know it’s going to have to be me to put a hold on our clench. A kiss always seems to turn into more when Gabe and I are with one another, and while I love the complete abandonment we feel, I know Grandpa Bernie needs to see both of us.
“Gabe, we have to get ready.” I pull away, but he holds me steady. My own hips were in on the action. My core is soaking with need, my nipples aching to feel his chest hair against them. Damn, adulting really does suck.
“Fuck, I hate leaving you like this, all warm and wet. My dick is hard and aching for you.” He doesn’t let me go. He’s relentless in holding me in his grasp. “You good, Carsynn? That was a lot to off-load. I’m not going to leave you raw, baby.”
“I’m good, great even. Thank you for listening to me. It was needed. I’m going to get dressed. We’ll go see Bernie first. Then you can go off to do your saving the townspeople of Plaine Hill. No saving damsels in distress, though. Save that for me.” His lips tilt. My newfound confidence is bolstered, and I’m sure a lot of that is for the big guy in front of me.
“Damn straight. You’re the only one I need, Carsynn. Glad you’re seeing that, fairy.” He lays another kiss on my lips. I smile through it, completely and totally happy. He stands up without so much as a huff of breath, my legs wrapping around his hips again, and he’s carrying me to his bedroom, where I know we won’t finish what he started. I’m okay with that. I’m happy, happier than I’ve ever been in my life. I saved myself by leaving that day, coming to Plaine Hill, starting over, and even though I’ll be doing it again, at least this time, I have my big guy holding my hand along the way.
19
GABE