Page 20 of His Wicked Obsession
A package was dropped off at Lude’s home early this morning, and while I know the message was cryptic, nobody has told me what it is. I’m in the dark, and I can’t stand it.
“Bella?” Dr. Rose looks at me with her kind smile and understanding eyes. I’m not convinced the voices I’ve been hearing aren’t in my head. I worry that Donato was just looking for an excuse to make me believe I’m normal.
“What did you ask?” I was so lost in my own thoughts, I hadn’t heard her.
“I asked how long you’ve been hearing the voices.” I know Donato and Lude spoke with her before she came in. To explain their findings and what happened with the last therapist I saw.
“Shortly after my sister’s wedding.” My eyes slide to the window. “The second one to Maso. She’s so in love with him.” The memory of the first time I saw them together flashes through my mind, and I can’t help but smile. It was so heart-warming to see someone love Bria for who she is. To see the beauty under all the trauma.
“You’re happy for her.” I nod. “You weren’t jealous at the time?”
I frown deeply as I look at her again. “Why would I be jealous?”
“Because she found what you’ve been looking for.” Dr. Rose is blunt; I like that about her.
“I could have had that with Lude,” I defend. I could have. He was so patient with me. He’d have given me the world.
Just not love, my conscience points out.
“But you don’t. You’ve been married for a while now, and you’ve admitted to never being intimate with each other. You said it felt more like a duty than a relationship.” I did say that.
To Lude.
“He told you?” I twist my hands together, staring back out the window.
“He and Donato told me a few things they didn’t think you’d be upfront about. They were worried you would be embarrassed.” I see her lean forward from the corner of my eye. “Donato also told me you think the voices are real and not mechanically planted. Why do you think that?”
“I never told him that.” I was careful to keep it to myself, not wanting to burst his bubble.
“I have the sense he can read you like an open book.” She seems pleased by that. “The man is very much in love with you. Voices or not, he’s the real deal.”
“You know what happened to Bria?” She nods. “How we were brought to the church?” Another nod. “I don’t know if my parents are dead or alive. For years, I’d convinced myself they weren’t alive because it was easier than believing they sold us off. But what if they are, and one or both of them have a mental illness, and this is hereditary? What if it is real?”
“That’s a valid fear. But let me ask you this: what if it’s just what Donato has discovered? What if you’re trying to convince yourself it’s real because you’re afraid of how Donato makes you feel?” I fidget a bit at her theory. “You told me you’ve had strong feelings for him since your first encounter. Do you think it’s possible you’re afraid he’s going to abandon you like your parents might have?”
I stare silently at Dr. Rose for so long that tears begin sliding down my cheeks. In truth, I hadn’t thought of that. It never crossed my mind, but with the way my heart is pounding, I think it might be true.
“What if he does? Then I have nothing,” I murmur.
“I don’t believe that for a second. From the sounds of it, Lude Vella considers you family. He made it very clear earlier that he will always be in your life. And you have Bria and Isabel; I doubt either of them will let you go, not now that all three of you are free.” She sounds so convincing.
“My whole life, I’ve wanted a family of my own. I think I blocked out a lot of my past before the church, but I remember my parents were in love. I’ve always wanted that.”
“So take it. Grab it with both hands, and don’t let go. Your happiness, your desired family are not dependent on a man, Bella. That’s your choice, and there are so many options if things with Donato don’t work out.” She reaches out a hand to cover one of mine. “But Bella, that doesn’t mean you should hide from your feelings for him. Don’t run because of fear. Talk it out. Ask him straight out what it is he wants from you, what his expectations are in this relationship, and then tell him what you want as well. Honesty is so important.”
Everything she’s saying makes so much sense, but the fear simmers just below the surface that I’ll never be good enough for love. How can I expect Donato to stick around when I always feel like I’m about to run?
Silence is…loud. I’ve never realized that before. When everything goes quiet, you tune into all the little sounds around you.
Wheels spinning on the pavement. Horns blaring. The wind as it whooshes through like waves. Talking, not the conversation, but the voices. Clanking of dishes as we pass cafes. And breathing.
How did I never register how loud breathing was before? I can hear every inhale and exhale from me, Donato, and Lude as we drive to the hospital to see Isabel and the new baby.
A baby.
I try not to let the jealousy eat at me, the envy settle in my belly.
I imagined that I would have one by now. I was so excited when Lude came to me to start planning our wedding. Anticipation fizzled the closer we got to our wedding night, however. By the time we said I do, I knew we’d never be intimate.