Page 33 of Ruthless Roses
We both laugh at his innocent determination.
“You two are fast friends,” says Doctor Blanchard. “Tell you what. You can have it, Dominic.”
“Thank you, Doctor. But I’m not sure he was willing to give it back anyway.” I smile my goodbye as we move on from his check up to mine.
My last postpartum appointment.
The lighthearted mood that colored Dominic’s checkup vanishes. A sense of anxiety clenches inside me as I consider the past few months.
On the outside, things have seemed perfect. It’s on the inside where I’ve struggled. Feeling like myself, finding a way to connect my new role as a mother with the woman I was beforehand—it’s been an experiment that hasn’t had much success.
Doctor Lee glances at her tablet upon entering the exam room. She’s a middle-aged petite woman who’s often outsized by the white coats and scrubs she wears and tends to keep a neat, short-cropped haircut.
“I hope you don’t mind I brought my little guy with me,” I say. Dom’s cooing sleepily from the depths of his stroller. I’ve parked him in the corner of the small room where he can drift off for a nap.
“Of course not. Your little guy is welcome any time. I see he’s made a friend.”
“The teddy bear he was given at his appointment before mine. Doctor Blanchard gave it to him.”
“Ah, yes. Well, they’re two peas in a pod.”
I glance fondly at the stroller where Dominic’s fallen asleep with the baby-sized teddy bear nestled beside him in the cradle portion of the stroller. They really do look like twins—they’re both even wearing overalls.
“Tell me how you’ve been doing since the last time we saw each other.”
I gather a breath and then run through my list of concerns. No stone is left unturned. I tell Doctor Lee about the different aches and pains I’m having—my sore breasts and the discomfort down below. She hears about my struggle feeling like myself, and how it’s affected my mood and how I behave and perceive situations around me. The anxiety and busy thoughts that I can’t shut off and the disconnect I’ve been feeling.
Even the issues I’ve had in the bedroom.
By the time I’m done, I’m feeling spent. I take in another breath and tell her I realize I’ve possibly veered off topic.
A slight smile tugs at the middle-aged woman’s lips. “Not off topic,” she says. “I’d say everything you’ve said is relevant, Delphine… andverynormal, especially as a first-time mom.”
I fail at hiding the mild surprise from my face, my brows rising. “Oh. Well… I’ve read about mood disorders postpartum, but the symptoms always seem so…”
“Extreme?”
I nod. “I love my son. I love being a mother. I’m having some issues still feeling like the old me, but that doesn’t mean I don’t like the new me. I wouldn’t trade for a second—”
“Delphine, no need to convince me you love motherhood. I can tell you do. Dominic is very obviously well cared for. And, yes, you’re right—the list of symptoms for postpartum mood disorders can seem intense and scary. You should know, I don’t believe you are diagnosable.”
“Right,” I sigh in relief, my shoulders losing their tension. “But then, whatareyou saying?”
“I’m saying many new moms feel the way you do. They love, love, love being mothers, but they also feel exhausted and stressed. They feel like their body has changed so much. It’s understandable. Your body has been through childbirth. Things certainly are different.”
“I didn’t expect to feel so… disconnected from myself. It’s like I’m me, but not me. It makes no sense when I say it out loud, but that’s the best way to describe it.”
Doctor Lee gives a soft laugh. “I’m a mom of three. The first two of which were twins. Trust me, I’ve been there. A lot of what you’re describing are hormonal fluctuations. It can result in altered moods and exacerbate certain feelings. But you have a very mild case. You have spent the last couple months devoted to your baby at almost all hours of the day and night. Is that right?”
I glance over at Dominic’s stroller, where he’s peacefully asleep, and my heart feels so full of love.
“I’ve barely left his side,” I say.
“A mother’s love. You are living for him,” Doctor Lee says. Her hand touches my shoulder as if to console. “You might not like what I have to say next. The quickest way you will find a connection between the old you and the new you is to integrate that old you into your new life.”
My gaze snaps over to the doctor, with my brows knitting on their own. “I’m not leaving Dom in the care of the nanny all day.”
She laughs. “Delphine, that’s not what I’m saying. I’m suggesting you find times—even a spare hour here and there—foryourself. Mommy nourishes baby, but who is nourishing mommy? It sounds like daddy has tried, but mommy won’t let him.”