Page 76 of Devious Roses
“But you seem extra stressed. You’re not exactly known to go wandering in botanical gardens.”
I glance around us at the leafy greens and soothing stone fountain. I came out here for fresh air instead of being confined in the waiting room. The thought it’d seem like I’m out here admiring fucking nature like some dipshit never crossed my mind.
“I’m out here to do some thinking. Hard to do that with reruns of Full House playing.”
Stitches blow some smoke. “They were airing a good one. You know, the one where Stephanie drives the car through the wall of the house? HA!”
“Francis.”
“I know, I know. Shut the fuck up, right? I’m just trying to lighten the air, Psycho. You and Mrs. Phi have been through it… again. I’m guessing that’s what’s on your mind?”
That’s putting it mildly. Guilt is nothing new as far as Delphine is concerned. It’s a feeling I’ve realized I have often whenever things go sideways. I felt it as far back as when we were young adults dating—one night we’d been out celebrating New Year’s and some scumbag attacked us. He shoved Delphine so hard she wound up with a knot on the back of her head.
In recent times, it’s been so much worse. From her rape to the bomb explosion to the captivity she went through, it’s been nothing but a constant reminder of my failures. The kind of danger I’m putting her in by mere association with me.
Today she was shot. In the shoulder, but it was an extremely close call. As Renzo took aim, I launched out of my chair and tackled him. The gun went off and the bullet still struck Delphine. Thankfully, it had been knocked off course enough it only hit her shoulder.
Hell broke loose after that. I became a savage, viciously beating a man with my fists. Despite the fact that I was outnumbered and outgunned. I had played his game for long enough. I was out to kill by any means necessary.
We survived.
By the skin of our teeth, we made it out of the situation, but now comes the aftermath. The guilt that crashes down on me and confronts me with the reality I can’t avoid. How many more times can I subject Delphine to these experiences?
She’s already traumatized. She’s already been through so much.
I love her. I love her so much I can’t stomach putting her through these things…
“Psycho,” Stitches says. “You look pale. Is this about Mrs. Phi? It was just the shoulder.”
“This time. What about the next time?”
Stitches frowns. “What next time?”
“There’s always going to be a next time, Francis. There’s no pretending there won’t be. By virtue of who I am, and what I do, there’s going to be someone out there,” I explain with a heaviness, scrubbing my hand over my face. “Even if I were to leave the lifestyle, somebody out there would still want me dead. It’d be worse. Because then I’d have no real means to fight back.”
“So what are you saying? You can’t be saying what I think… Psycho, you’re upset. That’s understandable. But we shouldn’t do anything rash.”
“Delphine was safer without me. That’s the truth of the matter.”
“I’m sure she’d disagree.”
“Sometimes, I have to do what’s best for her. Even if she doesn’t want it.”
“Psycho—”
“I’m not letting this happen again, Francis. That’s the bottom line.” I stand up from the bench I’m sitting on and shove both hands in my pockets. “I’ll have to figure out what that means. But the guilt is eating me up. The constant paranoia of what could be next. If something ever happened—if today had gone differently—I’d never forgive myself.”
“You think separating is going to magically fix things? You’re always going to be in love with the woman! You spent twelve years apart and that didn’t change! You sent her away when you fought Lucius and what did that change? You think any enemies are gonna give a fuck if you put distance between the two of you?” Stitches exclaims, the volume of his voice rising. “I’ve got news for you—it won’t change anything! Except torture the two of you!”
“It’s the best option to ensure nothing else happens—”
“I’ve got news for you, Psycho! You can’t control it all! You can’t control tomorrow or anything else people do! You want to know what it’s like being in the middle between you two? Standing by as you refuse to see what’s right in your face—you’ve been lucky enough to find the kind of love people dream of—and here you are thinking about throwing it all away! She’s hiding nightmares from you, and you’re plotting about separations when you two need to stick together! That’s when you’re the strongest. When you’re partners. When you fight to be together like you always have. You wanna quit ’cuz there’s some bad things that happen? Guess what? Life ain’t sunshine and roses! Didn’tyoutell me that?”
Stitches rants for so long, his face flushes red with passion. His voice goes hoarse by the end, and his glasses slip down his skinny nose.
I don’t even try interrupting him. Instead, I let him finish his tangent, eying him with a newfound curiosity I hadn’t had before.
He’s often challenged me on matters of Delphine, being a sounding board when I needed it. He’s the one who insisted I was in love with her in the first place, while I was too stubborn to see what was obvious.