Page 36 of Five Things
A harsh intake of breath comes from Maverick, but he stays silent, letting Maisie take control of the situation as she slides my phone onto my lap and looks into my eyes. She takes my hand, her warmth doing little to stave off the bitter chill settling into my bones.
“Beatrice,” Mom says, as Maisie rubs gentle circles into my hand. “You’re okay. You’re here and you’re okay. I need you to breathe and talk to me, okay? What do you see? Tell me five things you can see, baby.”
Another whimper breaks past my throat, and I swallow hard against it, squeezing Maisie’s hands as my throat opens and closes. “Cars.”Breathe in.“Trees.”And out.“Minnie Mouse ears.”Two more to go.“Maisie.”Keep going, Bea.“And Maverick.”
On his name, my heart slows and my breaths settle as we finish up the numbers.
“Oh, honey, that’s really good,” Mom says, relief heavy as I utter the final word. The world comes back into stark focus, but Maisie and Maverick are all I can see.
“Hey, Momma,” I say, taking my phone off speaker and pressing it to my ear. “I have to go.”
“Okay, baby. Call me later, please?”
“Yeah, I will.”
“I love you, Beatrice,” she says, and I close my eyes, unable to say the words back as she ends the call.
“You wanna tell me what just happened?” Maverick croaks, his jaw tense as he stares at me. There’s something in his eyes, but the fog on my brain is too thick to process what I’m seeing.
Maisie opens her mouth, but I shake my head. “Nothing. I just had a funny moment.”
“That’s not a funny moment, Bumblebee.” He shakes his head, his eyes drawing over my face. “You have panic attacks?”
“Never had one a day in my life,” I lie, unclipping the belt with shaky hands and pushing past him until the sun beats down on my skin, and I pull in gracious amounts of oxygen, refilling my burning lungs.
Maverick grabs my hand, spinning me slowly, and for that, I’m grateful, as my stomach is in knots. He looks down at me, shadowing the sun as he steps closer. “How long?”
“None of your business,” I say, refusing to make eye contact. Nobody on this planet has ever been able to read me the way he could. Not then, and I doubt even now. But I won’t give him this. “Can you let go of me now, please?”
“Seriously, Bea. How long?”
“Why? Why do you wanna know?” I snap, pulling away from him. He lets me go, something I’ve noticed he always does when it seems I’ve had enough. No matter how harsh his words are, or the glares he pins me with, he’s only ever gentle with his touches. Which only confuses me more. “You want me to spill my deep, dark secrets? Lay everything out on the floor for you? You really think I’m going to hand these things over to you for you to use them against me, because you think I deserve your hatred? Yeah, I think the fuck not.”
“I would—” He closes his eyes, pinching the bridge of his nose as he turns and stalks away without another word.
“Yeah, that’s what I thought,” I mutter as he joins the group.
My cheeks burn as I realize they’ve all witnessed my epic meltdown, all because of a public space. Shame floods me, though I know it’s stupid. Having anxiety and struggling isn’t anything to be ashamed of—I know this—but still it doesn’t change the way my stomach dips or my throat burns as nausea threatens me.
Maisie breaks away, rushing over to me. “I’m so sorry, Beatrice. I honestly didn’t even think that this could be a trigger to you.”
“Not your fault, Mais.” I grab her hand and squeeze it gently. “You didn’t force me over your shoulder and toss me into your car, did you? This isn’t on you. And crowds aren’t always a trigger, just there’s a lot of people here, and they’re all so close together.”
“I am so sorry,” she says again, her lips settling into a frown. “What do you want to do? We can go back to campus?”
She fishes her phone from her backpack, scrolling until she finds the Uber app and loads it up. The want to go home is heavy, but isn’t this everything I keep saying I don’t want to do? My fingers close around her phone, tugging it from her grip.
“I wanna try,” I tell her, playing with the hem of my sweater. “I want to try and have fun and do normal things.”
“You sure? I promise we can go home right now. You don’t have to do this for me.”
“I’m not,” I croak, not believing myself as she stares at me with soft eyes. I’m not sure she believes me either, but I keep going. “I’m doing this for me. I’m nineteen years old and I can’t even have a day out with some friends? What kind of life is that?” I chuckle without an ounce of humor. “A couple hours, and if it’s too much, I’ll head home. I just . . . this is what I should be doing. I’ve got to at least try, or I’m never going to be able to have a normal life again. I’ve given up so much of myself because of Sebastian and the past. I can’t give him this too.”
“I’ll Uber us back the minute you tell me to,” she promises, holding her pinky finger out to me. I glance back toward the ticket kiosks and the crowds of people and suck down the fresh wave of panic. I can do this. Linking our pinkies together, I heave in a breath, letting it out slowly before we take the first step to where the others wait for us.
Maverick watches me closely as I approach, and I’m not sure what I expect to see in his expression when we reach them, but it isn’t the pure devastation that stares back at me from his wide eyes the moment my gaze lands on his face.
Maisie makes good on her promise, booking an Uber when I reach my limit. Two hours. I manage two hours in the happiest place on earth before exhaustion racks my body and the brain fog becomes too much to deal with. The others offer to leave with us, but I tell them to stay, not wanting to ruin their day.