Page 47 of The Dark Elf's Secret Baby
“I want Daddy,” Jasper sobs into my stomach. “Why Daddy leave?” I stroke over his hair, trying to soothe him.
“He had to go back to work, remember?” I tell him, though my own heart is breaking too. I made the wrong choice and it’s not just me who’s suffering for it but Jasper as well.
I can’t bear to see my son like this. He’s taking things worse than I thought. Aren’t children supposed to be more resilient than this? I thought he would understand.
“Would you like to go sleep in mama’s room tonight?” I offer. I might not be able to magically bring Kerym back but at least I can make sure that Jasper doesn’t have to sleep alone.
“Yeah,” he says wetly, nodding through his tears. “Wanna sleep with you.”
I pick him up, cradling him close. He was so tiny when he was born. Just a little thing with a tuft of black hair and he was all wrinkly and scrunched up. He was so ugly from just being born but I remember thinking he was the most perfect, beautiful baby I’d ever seen.
I vowed back then to protect him and never let anyone hurt him. I thought that I could protect him from the rest of the world but now here I am, the one who’s hurting him the most.
As I carry him, I realize how much bigger and heavier he’s gotten over the years. It creeps up on you. You don’t notice because it happens so gradually. But he’s closer to three than two now.
In my bedroom, I lay him down and he immediately latches on to Kerym’s pillow, snuggling up to it.
It still smells like him.
He’d been spending nights here to be closer to us and now the bed feels almost too big without him.
I really made the wrong decision, didn’t I? I need to make this right somehow, to make it up to Jasper. To make it up to Kerym. It wasn’t Kerym who left, it was me who pushed him out of our lives. Kerym wanted us to go with him.
And now he’s gone and I can’t undo what I did.
Tears prick at my eyes and I find myself unable to sleep. Jasper is struggling too, holding the pillow tightly to his chest, tears rolling down his little chubby cheeks, even in his sleep.
That night, we both cry ourselves to sleep.
The next morning, I wake Jasper up early, having made a decision. “Hey bub,” I tell him, staring into violet eyes that remind me so much of his father.
“Mama,” he yawns sleepily.
“How would you like to go on a big adventure today, after school, to go find daddy?” I ask, whispering to him.
“Really?” his eyes open wide as he whispers back to me.
“Really really.”
“Yay!” Jasper yells, loud enough to make me wince for a moment.
“Okay, let’s get ready for school then, so we can go find Daddy later,” I tell him. I may not be able to bring Kerym back but I can go to him. I can beg him to be a family with us again. And I can save my son from a lifetime of heartache.
“Okay!” Jasper is more cooperative than ever this morning, willingly sitting to have his hair brushed and braided without a peep. He eats every bit of his oatmeal and even asks for seconds.
Maybe we should go on adventures more often, I muse with a smile.
Harper and Addie come over soon after breakfast so we can walk the kids to school but I pull Harper aside as soon as she comes in.
“Hey,” I tell her. “Can you take them alone today? I need to stay here and pack.”
“What?” Harper’s eyes grow big. “Pack?”
“Yeah, I need to talk to you,” I tell her. I walk over to the stove and begin brewing up some kaffo for us while Harper sends Addie and Jasper to play with some wooden blocks in the living room. She and I sit down together at the kitchen table to talk.
Once the kaffo is brewed, I bring us over two large, warm mugs of rich, blue kaffo. “Do you want some milk for it?” I ask. Harper nods and I pour in some capra’s milk from the morning delivery.
Adding in my own capra’s milk, I stir and watch the color change from a deep, navy blue to a light, sky blue. Wrapping my hands around my cup, I breathe in the steam for a moment, trying to gather my thoughts. My eyes close and I take a deep breath.