Page 45 of The Dark Elf's Secret Baby

I don’t want to go. I don’t want to leave them. For the millionth time that day I consider abandoning my duties, flipping a rude gesture to the whole thing and staying with them here, forever.

Even though I want to, I know that deep down I can’t bring myself to do it. I want Layla and Jasper but I also want to make a name for myself. I can’t give all that up so easily.

The sailors are ready to leave but I can’t bring myself to board just yet. What if they show up at the last minute? What if I miss seeing them? I don’t want to go without seeing them one last time.

I pace the docks, walking up and down with my hands in my pockets. I just want them to come. Is it too much to ask of the cosmos? The gods? I never really believed in the gods before but now I’m praying to the Thirteen to grant me this, to give me my mate and my child.

It seems a cruel twist of fate that I found them only to lose them once again.

“We have to set sail now,” one of the sailors says. “You have to board.”

I can’t put it off anymore. I can’t wait for them. With heavy footsteps, I head up the gangplank and board the ship, still keeping an eye on the docks for a glimpse of them.

Maybe if they came, I would get off the ship. It would be my sign to choose Layla and Jasper over my duty.

I’m still staring at the docks as we pull from port, squinting against the setting sun, trying not to lose hope but by the time the harbor disappears from view, I have to accept the truth.

They never came.

I find my cabin and sink down onto the bed, holding my head in my hands. I need privacy right now. I’m feeling so many emotions. Sadness chokes me, making it hard to breathe, making me want to weep. I hate that I had to go.

I’m so angry at this world I’m a part of! I don’t want to be a miou, to play the part of a dutiful son and soldier! I just want to jump off the ship and go back to the woman I love and to our son. How am I supposed to go back to my life and pretend that everything is normal when I know where Layla and Jasper are, that they’re out there living their lives without me?

Everything is ruined anyway. I can’t go back to them. Layla made her stance clear. She’ll never forgive me for how upset I made Jasper. Watching him cry like that, writhing on the ground in anguish, it destroyed me. I’ll never forget the sight of him, sobbing to the point of making himself sick because I was leaving him.

How could I do that to my own child?

Maybe I shouldn’t have come. If I had never come, Jasper wouldn’t have known me and I couldn’t have let him down.

No. I can’t think like that. I regret leaving but I would regret not knowing him even more. I’d give up everything just to spend a few more minutes with my baby boy. I don’t have an ounce of regret for knowing him. I just wish I could have taken his pain away.

The ship’s journey to Vhoig is remarkably fast. I don’t know if it’s because I spend the whole time pining over leaving my family behind or what, but we arrive in time for dinner.

I’m escorted inside and my family is already seated at the dining table.

“Kerym, welcome home!” Salnath says, standing up to give me a hug. “We’re so glad to see you. You look well, please, have a seat!”

I can’t reciprocate the greeting though. I don’t feel like I look well and I’m not happy to see them. Especially when I look over and see Salnath’s mate Ursalah sitting there, heavily pregnant.

Resentment surges inside me and I clench my hands into fists, trying to calm myself down. How is it fair that Ursalah and Salanth can just sit there, smugness radiating from them about their growing family while I have to sit here alone, wishing Layla and Jasper were here too. I want to show them off, show off how beautiful my mate is and how amazing and special our son is.

But I can’t. Because Layla is a human. And for some reason, despite the fact that humans are just as good as dark elves, it’s seen as wrong and bad for me to want to be with her.

“So, how was...Zerva,” my father asks. He’s got a look on his face that says he views my time there as a distraction.

“Fine,” I say, not wanting to engage.

“You missed Ursalah’s baby naming ceremony,” mother says, trying to change the subject. “They’re having a girl! Tell Kerym, Ursalah!”

“It’s a girl,” she repeats, blushing. “We’ve named her Ariah.”

“Fantastic,” I say, trying to muster up some enthusiasm.

“You could have a mate too, and children,” father says, sounding gruff. I clench my hands into fists again under the table. The food is bland and I’m not in the mood for a lecture. “But instead, you flit off to Zerva on some kind of vacation? What is that about?”

“I went to learn from the overseer there,” I say, telling him the same story I used with my superiors.

“You’ve learned all you need to at Camp Horizon,” he sneers. “It’s time you moved on. You don’t need to stay in that shithole anymore.”