Page 77 of Touch of Hate
“Just fine. I had the whole bed to myself.”
He offers a sheepish grin that threatens to break my heart. There’s my Ren, looking at me from across the table. “Sorry. I was too wrapped up to sleep. But we’re coming close to the end, angel. I feel it.”
“I hope so,” I tell him, and I mean it. Do I ever.
“I need you by my side. I can’t do this without you.” He stands up, stretching and groaning like he hasn’t been out of the chair in hours.
“And you don’t have to. You never do. I’m always here.”
He turns away toward the window, and even now, I can’t help but get lost in the sight of him. The sunlight plays perfectly off his features, highlighting his profile, the planes of his cheeks, and the sharpness of his jaw. His dark beauty brings to mind an angel.
An avenging angel, weapons in hand, prepared to wreak destruction on all those who cause him pain.
I want to help him. I do. I just don’t understand what he’s talking about or why my assurances aren’t enough. Am I not using the right words? Which words can I use, then? Do they exist, the magic combination of syllables that will somehow convince him of my devotion?
He’s still so far away. That’s a part of the problem. Maybe a big part of it. The separation that’s sprung up between us. The way it seems like he’s holding himself back, apart from me. Is it because I now know his secrets? That could be it. Like he’s ashamed somehow or afraid I’ll use his vulnerability as a weapon against him.
As if I ever could—but he has no way of knowing that. I’m the only person he’s ever trusted enough to tell about that terrible time in his life. It has to be scary, even if I doubt he’d ever admit it. Eventually, he’ll realize I’m not going to hurt him. He’s safe with me.
If only I knew how long it would take. I don’t know how much longer we can go on like this, with me always afraid I’ll say the wrong thing and set him off. Nothing could change my feelings for him, but if I can’t show them for fear of him pushing me away? How long before something splinters beyond repair?
We need to get back to us. It’ll be up to me to get us there. He’s too lost, too deep in what he feels he needs to do.
I have to bring him out of that. Somehow.
With my heart in my throat, I approach him as quietly as I can manage, one slow step at a time. He must sense my approach, but he doesn’t move except to grip the windowsill with both hands.
Holding my breath, I reach out, placing a hand on his shoulder. A tingle runs up my arm at the slight contact. God, it hurts. Being with him and without him at the same time.
“I need you.” The entirety of my wounded, lonely heart is wrapped up in those three words. I can’t think of a better way to get my point across. “Please, don’t turn away from me.”
He keeps me waiting, staring out the window, but at least he doesn’t push my hand away. “I haven’t. It’s complicated.”
“It doesn’t need to be. Since when can’t you share things with me? This is me, Ren. Scarlet. You wanted me so much before.”
“I still do.”
“So why won’t you touch me? You’ve barely put a hand on me since the first night we were here together. Did I do something wrong? Please, tell me, so I can do better.”
“It has nothing to do with that.”
“What, then? Nothing has changed for me. I still want you more than I’ve ever wanted anything or anyone. You’re the only person who matters.” My voice cracks, and I’m almost embarrassed, but no. I won’t allow it. I have to let myself be vulnerable. Maybe then, he’ll understand these aren’t mere words.
I take a step, placing myself against his back. So close, but so far. It’s torture, standing here like this. Touching him, smelling him, and letting his warmth envelop me. Afraid of what happens if I go too far, yet not knowing what’s too far until I’ve already crossed a line.
“You know,” I whisper, “you owe me another first. It’s not my birthday, but you have lost time to make up for.”
He turns his head, looking at my hand before touching his lips to my fingers. A ghost of a smile appears on his face.
“You want to know why I haven’t fucked you yet? That’s the problem here?”
One of so many.
I try not to give away my disappointment. “You couldn’t keep your hands off me before, especially when we were alone. Now, we’re all alone in the middle of nowhere. No chance of anyone interrupting us, and you’re treating me like I have a disease.”
His slow, heavy sigh speaks volumes. “That’s not it at all. I’m not trying to keep you at arm’s distance. I’m trying to do the right thing. Once I slide inside you and claim you for the first time, there won’t be any taking back your virginity. There won’t be any changing who your first is, and I want to make certain I’m who you want.”
“Nothing has changed, Ren. I wanted you years ago, and I want you more now. I’ve known you would be the one to take my virginity. I saved it for you.” With my free hand, I traced the curve of his back, from broad shoulders down to his slim waist.