Page 24 of #PhiThetaForever

Lord, please forgive me.

26 Lena

I forgot how quiet it is here. The last time I sat on this porch swing was this time last year with Declan. Now I'm here, checking my phone every few minutes, praying he sends just one text or something—anything. I didn't think I'd miss him this much. But I do. And I wish he was here with Justus and I.

"How about you stop looking at your phone and have some coffee with me?"

I look up to find Justus holding my favorite coffee mug out to me. Smiling as I take it, he sits down next to me, sipping his own coffee. My feet are tucked between us, so he uses his to gently rock the swing back and forth. The only light is from the tiki torches my dad has lit around the porch. "So, how come you don't spend the holidays with your family?"

"Damn, going for the deep conversation the first night here, huh?" Justus sips his coffee and stares out at the woods surrounding the house.

"I didn't—I'm sorry, I just—"

"It's fine," he says with a laugh. "My parents and I haven't spoken since I was a senior in high school. I moved out the day I turned 18."

I frown and shift to turn toward him. "I'm sorry, Justus. What happened?"

He shrugs. "They'd both been drug addicts my whole life. I swore as soon as I could leave, I would. So I did."

My heart breaks for him. I know what it's like to lose a parent to their own selfishness. God blessed me with my dad, though, so I at least had one of them. "I get that. My mom ran off with some guy she met on the internet when I was 5. I haven't seen or heard from her since."

Justus nods and puts his arm around my shoulder. "I know you're worried about him, Lena. I am too. But we've done everything we can to help Declan. He's got to make the right decisions on his own."

Tears well up in my eyes instantly, and I wipe them away as they spill over, leaning my head onto Justus' shoulder. "I know. I know. And I pray for him every day. I put his name in the prayer bin at church every week. Even on the weeks that he's there. There's just this sinking feeling in my gut. Like something is going to happen. Justus, what am I going to do if I lose him?"

Justus puts his fingers under my chin and makes me look him in the eyes. "No matter what happens, Lena, God will get you through this. He'll get Declan through this. I truly believe that God has to put us through certain tests to help shape us into the beings, the people capable of living the lives he has planned for us. This is part of Declan's shaping. God knows what he's doing."

Taking a deep breath, I try to calm the ache that's exploded in my chest. "You really believe that?"

He nods and hugs me to his side. "With everything in me, I believe that. And I'll be here. For you and for him, every step of the way. You're not in this alone."

Justus and I sit like that, silent as can be, for what seems like hours. Eventually, my dad calls us inside for dessert, his famous peach cobbler. Justus all but licks his plate clean, which makes my dad laugh. They seem to get along well, though I can tell my dad has some internal questions running. He hasn't asked any more details about why Declan isn't here. I don't want to tell my dad about what's been going on this semester. He'd flip, and I don't need that on top of everything else.

Once the table is cleared, Justus thanks my father and excuses himself to take a shower. I'm glad we still have the spare room because I certainly wouldn't be rude enough to ask Justus to sleep on the couch. I'd be on the couch, and he'd be in my room, which is still covered in high school and remembrance stuff.

"You want some coffee, babygirl?" Dad stands and heads over to the counter.

"Yeah, that'd be great." I smile, watching him, letting the fact I've missed him sink in. My dad will always be one of the best men I've ever known.

"So, how's college going so far? Tell me about everything." He sets my coffee cup in front of me and then retakes his seat, looking at me expectantly.

I try to smile the best I can. "Classes are a lot. I swear the homework is never-ending, and I spend more time in the library than I do sleeping."

We both chuckle.

"How're things with Declan?" He sips his coffee, pretending like this is a normal question, but I can see the apprehension in his face.

"He's okay, Dad. I know you're worrying because he and I have been stuck up each other's butts since last year, but college is different. He has his own classes and football, I have mine, and soccer just ended last month. He is pledging a fraternity, and I've joined a sorority. We're fine. We're just getting into a new groove with all the added things on our plates."

My dad tucks my hair behind my ear and touches the side of my face. "I just want to know that you're okay. You're still my kid, even if you are all grown up now."

"I'm okay, Dad." I set my mug down and stand up to hug my father. I hate for him to worry, and he has enough on his plate and mind with all the work at the ranch. Over the summer, he signed a contract to deliver to a few meat shops in the next town, which added to his workload. "I'll finish cleaning up. It's after midnight. Why don't you head to bed?"

"Love you, kiddo."

"Love you too." He pats my head as he heads out of the room.

Finishing my coffee, my cell phone vibrates in my pocket. I pull it out and smile at the video call request with Declan's name on it. I answer it and hold my phone out so that he'll be able to see me. As soon as the call connects, my heart drops along with my smile.