Page 129 of Cruel Abandon (Fallen Royals 5)

I don’t know why it scares me.

I’ve been seeing Dr. Penn for almost eight months, and we don’t have a direction. Our conversations linger between the nightmares and Liam, school and my friends. I joined the cheerleading team, and if I hadn’t thrown up violently just an hour ago, I’d still be there.

My uniform is stuck to my skin by cold sweat.

This is a fear I need to face.

But I can’t make myself move.

“Hey,” someone calls.

I turn around, and Riley Appleton is there. Amelie’s pet project, a girl who seems sadder than me half the time. She doesn’t hide it nearly as well.

“How’d you find me?” I ask.

“Noah and I were at the game. I saw you slip out the side entrance.” She scratches at her arm. “I followed you. Sorry.”

I shrug. We’re not friends, beyond a few parties. Eli seemed to have developed a keen interest in her—in fact, they spent seven minutes in heaven at the last one.

See? I’m a normal high schooler. I joined the cheerleaders, I wear the cute little uniform. Sit with the popular girls at lunch and in classes, laugh at girls the queen bees deem lesser. In another life, that would be me.

“What are you doing?” Riley asks. “I just ask because it seems like you were on the verge of doing something monumental, but maybe terrifying? And I can’t help but think I ruined it by saying hello.”

I roll my eyes, even though she’s right. But this me, the version I created to survive, doesn’t like heavy things. And the complex PTSD, the therapy, the forest… those are too heavy.

“No, I just thought I saw something. A fox, maybe.” I force myself to move away from the edge of the woods, back toward my house. “Want to watch TV or something?”

* * *

Sixteen and stubborn and drunk. I hold out my car keys to Jake, but it isn’t him who takes them. Liam spares me a single glance, then orders me and his brother into the car.

We get in slowly, our limbs not working right.

Jake takes the back seat, I choose the front.

Liam looks me over, his attention lingering on my chest.

I tap my forehead. “Eyes up here, asshole.”

He laughs. It’s the first time in too long that I’ve heard it, and it bursts out of him. He couldn’t have stopped it if he tried.

“You ever think about the past?” he asks me.

I raise my eyebrow. “I’m not big into history.”

“He means your past,” Jake says. “And he shouldn’t be asking.”

Liam starts the car and navigates down the long driveway. One of his teammates always throws the best parties, with the best booze. Very rarely did Jake and I ever travel together, even though he frequented some of the same parties. Stone Ridge High kids had their own parties, bonfires in the woods, on the beach of their little lake. The only reason we’d go there is if the guys wanted to fight, and that never ended well.

Jake got a free pass, though, because of his brother.

I had been with Amelie, Jackie, Savannah… all the girls I thought I was friends with. But there had been yelling, and someone yanked my hair. They called me a whore.

I exhale slowly. I should be crying at this, but I’m not. We’re halfway home when Jake falls asleep, his breathing turning more into soft snores.

Liam’s hand is on the gear shift between us, and… well, I’m drunk. I let my hand fall on top of his. A surge goes through me at the contact, shocking me awake. I almost withdraw, too, but then he flips his hand over and threads his fingers with mine.

He holds my hand all the way home, not looking at me.