Page 23 of Around the Bend
He was afraid he had a clue. “You’re not acting like a woman scorned.”
She threw her head back and laughed. “Yeah, well, no doubt thanks to your Xanax mixed with my Xanax. Plus, there’s plenty of time for that…”
Myles deadpanned. “You weren’t supposed to have Xanax on you. What I had was yours.”
He felt her watching carefully as he he fumed. “How many did you take?”
Jess grinned. “Just three…but I borrowed a few bottles of vodka from the mini-bar, too.”
He turned in his seat before looking over his shoulder. “I’m done babysitting, Jessica. You’re a fucking child.”
Her expression turned devious. “So, I take it that’s a no?”
Myles turned back and stared out the window. He was running out of patience. And nothing good had ever come from that happening.
“Sit on the bed,” he ordered once back at the hotel where he’d taken her to his room so that he could keep an eye on her.
He’d caught her off guard. “Sit.” He demanded once again.
She eyed the chair then reluctantly took a seat.
Myles paced. “I’m going to tell you something and it doesn’t leave this room. Do you understand what I’m saying?”
She nodded slowly.
“Say it,” he said, his voice hard. He lowered his voice and started again. “I need to hear you say it.”
“All right. I pinky promise. It doesn’t leave this room.”
He swallowed and paced some more before stopping abruptly. “I have… I had a daughter.”
“You—?”
Myles held up his hand and cut her off. He paused then sat on the edge of the bed, facing her and met her gaze head on. “Let me finish. I was married… once. We had a daughter, and when she was three, she died. As if that isn’t fucked up enough… I didn’t know… I didn’t even make it home in time for the funeral. I didn’t even find out she was dead for eight days. Eight fucking days. I was on a mission that couldn’t be interrupted, they’d later said. But the truth is that’s how it always was. I was a Navy SEAL, which basically meant that I was always gone. And that was pretty much how my life was. I did what I felt I needed to do, what I felt was best for me. And, you know what? It cost me. I wasn’t there when my child got sick, and I wasn’t there when they put her in the ground. People like to say that I was doing my duty—but you know what? That’s fucking bullshit. My family and my child were my duties. And I failed at it. I failed at being a husband and I failed at being a father. I basically failed the whole mission. After she died, it was clearer than it had been before, and so my wife left. She left our home, she took her things... and she just left. By the time I got back, she was already gone. I haven’t seen her since. Eight days. It’s amazing how your whole life can just disappear in eight days.”
He shook his head and sighed. “Three months later, I received divorce papers and a letter. And that was that.”
Jess swallowed. “Oh, my God. I didn’t know… I’m sorry.”
He shrugged. “You’re probably wondering why I’m telling you this…”
She shook her head slightly.
“Well, I’m telling you because it’s something you need to hear. And I guess… it’s something I need to say. I don’t have many friends at this point, and if I did have one, you’d be the closest thing to it. You’re taking your life, Jessica… you’re taking your children for granted. Do you have any idea what it’s like to lose a child? I’m going to go out on a limb and guess not. Well… let me tell you… a part of you fucking dies. Nothing and I mean nothing is ever the same.” Myles took a deep breath, let it out, and continued. “I can see that you’re hurting. That your life hasn’t turned out like you thought it would… but guess what? No one’s life does. I see clearly what’s coming for you, and it’s either another overdose or losing your kids... and either way, they lose. Do you have any idea what I would give to have a second chance? To have a tiny bit of what you have. Your life isn’t perfect. That’s obvious. But have you stopped to notice how your kids look at you? Have you considered them in any of this? Because I have.”
Jess stared at the floor. “I’m sorry. I didn’t know,” she said and then she stood and went to him. “You’re right. And I guess the answer is no. Well, yes and no. I know I’ve been selfish. But I just don’t feel anything. I’m numb… and it’s been this way for so long now that I don’t know what to do about it. I can’t stop… it just feels too big. Too far beyond what I’m capable of. And now, I come here… and there’s this to deal with. ”
He turned slightly to face her. “I get it, but there’s a lot to lose in your position. You must see that, right?”
Jessica leaned in and brushed his bangs from his eyes. “What are you suggesting I do?”
Myles scooted backward just an inch on the bed. He knew that look. “I have a feeling what you’re thinking, and it isn’t the answer… you need to sober up, Jessica.”
She swallowed hard. “I’m not that high.” She closed the gap between them. “Just once. I need to feel something... ”
He inched backward again. “That sounds like a bad movie line. And I’m afraid it doesn’t work that way.”
She gave him a hard look. “Au contraire. I’ve seen you with your women.”