Page 40 of Only After We Met

“Me neither,” I said.

“I guess we should have had this talk months ago. I’ve been thinking about it since then…” He walked over, and I felt the mattress sink as he sat close to me, still nervous. “I don’t know, Ginger, you’ve always been in my life, and I… I guess I had a breakdown and didn’t stop to think about your feelings. I’m sorry.”

I took a breath, surprised. Mainly because I knew him so well and he wasn’t someone used to saying he was sorry. In his eyes, I saw he was waiting for a response, and I was trying to work out if I was angry, if I had a right to be, or if I shouldbe understanding, and if that meant I’d be turning back into the Ginger I didn’t want to be. I shook my head.

“I should scream at you. I should…”

“That’s not you though.”

“Yeah. But I want to.”

“I’d like us to try to be friends. I’m not asking for us to see each other often or anything like that, but we could see each other one afternoon for a coffee or something. I don’t know.”

My nose tingled. And it wasn’t because of Dean; it was because of me. I looked down at the comforter, at a loose thread that seemed to hang there, unwanted.What a life, I thought. Being there, lost, unable to move, unable to be a part of the fabric around me, stuck.That was how I felt in that moment. Two parts of me were fighting against each other. One of them wanted to forgive Dean, be his friend, get back something of the relationship that had brought us together for so many years. The other wanted to get up, suck in a deep breath, and start screaming. But I didn’t even know what to scream. I didn’t hate him. He’d hurt me, the way he’d done things, but I’d also hurt myself, for just taking it when I should have reacted. Not for him, but for me. I felt that ship had sailed now, and there was no point in trying to catch it. And the Ginger I was now didn’t even want to in her heart.

I remembered that swallowing that pain had, in a way, brought me into contact with Rhys. How ironic. I guess every action, every detail, every decision takes us toward a different destination, and sometimes your fate can change when you least expect it.

“If you want to be left alone…”

I shook my head. “I forgive you.”

Dean smiled, and before I could prepare myself, he leaned over and hugged me. I couldn’t get my arms around his back, but I didn’t pull away. I was still a little uncomfortable until he let me go.

“You know… I miss you.”

I couldn’t tell him I missed him too. Those months away from him had helped me get to know myself better, even if I was still lost, and I had a new friend, had kissed another guy, and had gone out on a date…

“I’ll need some time to learn to be comfortable with you again. I’m not saying no to a coffee sometime in the future, but it’ll need to be later. And I think… I think I at least deserve an explanation of what happened. Why all of a sudden you wanted to live andexperience new things and all.”

That was hard for him at first. He opened and closed his mouth, looked down at his hands, let the seconds pass. Then his shell cracked, and he told me how he’d been feeling, how the monotony had worn him down, how he felt he was missing something, even if he wasn’t sure what. It hurt a little, because I was part of that routine that wasn’t enough for him, but I could also understand.

“Are you better now?” I asked.

“Yeah. I think so. It depends.” Dean cocked his head, looking curious. “How about you? You seem different, Ginger.”

“I’ll take that as a compliment.”

I smiled. So did he.

19

From: Ginger Davies

To: Rhys Baker

Subject: Home sweet home

I’m back at the dorm. Isn’t it weird that this kind of feels more like home than home? I guess it was a process, so I didn’t really realize it. But one day I woke up, and the place in the city had changed from “home” to “my parents’ house,” and it was as simple as that. It was less mine, even if I have a room and all my things there. It’s almost like a museum.

Do you still have your old room, Rhys?

I don’t know why, but that’s hard for me to imagine.

I haven’t heard from you much lately. Are you okay? I hope so. I don’t have much to tell. I’m excited and terrified for the school year. On the one hand, it’s great to be sharing a room with Kate and to know that next summer will mark the end of a major phase in my life, but I’m also scared of what will come afterward. I think I’ll feel like a tennis ball getting struck, bouncingback and forth, and getting lost. And I’ll have to deal with things I’m not even thinking about right now, but whatever, I’m also excited to start myadult life(you probably hate that expression).

I forgot to tell you I talked to Dean. He came with his parents to eat at my house. I thought it wouldn’t affect me, because we see each other at school and all, but I think it was different, seeing him in that environment, because I couldn’t stop remembering all that we had shared. Weird, right? How complex emotions are. I felt like I’d been keeping mine down too long, and when I finally let them out, they were…faint, like they’d lost intensity. The heat in them was gone.

I have to go. I’m taking a walk with Kate.