Page 38 of Only After We Met
“I assumed you hadn’t eaten.” He gave me a sidelong look before proceeding. “Sarah called me and asked if she could stay at my place tonight, so… I just assumed something had happened.”
“She told me she was going to sleep in a hotel.”
“Right. What happened exactly?”
“Nothing. I don’t know.” I grabbed a burger, unwrapped it, andfell back on the sofa, taking a bite and thinking. “I mean, yesterday everything was cool, and now all of a sudden she’s acting like we’re serious.”
“So you’re not?”
“Of course not. What’s that question even supposed to mean?”
“I was just thinking like, you guys do see each other a lot, right? And you have for a while now. I don’t see the difference between that and beingserious.”
That got to me. Logan showed no emotion as he devoured his burger, even though he must have known what he’d said was ridiculous. Very few people knew me as well as he did, even if there was lots he didn’t know, lots I didn’t tell him, like about the existence of Ginger. Or what had happened with my dad. Or how hard it was for me to talk to my mother week after week…
I realized in that moment that one of my best friends, a guy I’d met at college seven years before, barely knew anything about me. Just the things I let him see, the little trail of breadcrumbs I left behind.
“It’s impossible for me to have a relationship with anyone.”
“Why? Sarah’s incredible.”
“Of course she is. But I’m on the road all the time, remember? I don’t see myself living two or three years in the same place. Or longer. My whole life. The same goes for getting a mortgage or having kids or anything like that.”
Logan studied me a few seconds in silence. “What are you hoping to find, Rhys?”
“Find? Nothing. Why?”
He shook his head and shrugged. “I just have that feelingsometimes, that you’re looking for something. Forget it. I wouldn’t marry anything except one of these burgers. And even then, I’d cheat on it with the cheese.”
I tried to smile, but I couldn’t.
And I couldn’t ignore what he’d just said.
That feeling sometimes, that you’re looking for something.
18
Ginger
The week dragged on forever. Working with my father was emotionally exhausting, especially having to pretend the whole time that there was nothing in the world I liked better than being there. I found myself spending more and more time alone in the office imagining I was lying on the beach, not thinking, not doing anything, just feeling the warm sun and the salt breeze on my skin.
With Rhys. Showing up next to me.
I tried to take refuge in that illusion as the clock ticktocked slowly onward. I looked around Dad’s office: piles of papers; printers shooting out the latest invoices I was responsible for; drawings of next season’s cabinets hanging on a gigantic corkboard by the desk; smooth, boring walls I’d be staring at for weeks till summer ended…
And at last, it was coming to an end.
The next day I’d catch a train and go back to the dorms. My sense of relief was palpable. I smiled as I remembered I’d gotten permission to move to a larger room I’d share with Kate. I wanted tolivethat last year, and for a second, sitting there in that office, I hoped it would go on forever. I didn’t want to confrontadult lifeorwork or have any responsibilities at all.
“Are you done with the invoices?”
“Yeah.” I got up when my father came in. I turned off the printer, grabbed the papers, and pointed at the table. “Should I leave them here?”
“Yeah. I’ll take a look at them tomorrow.”
“Okay.” I walked around the desk.
My father wrapped an arm around my shoulders and pulled me into him. He smelled like rolling tobacco (he’d tried and failed to quit a few times) and the fabric softener Mom had used since I was a kid. I took a deep breath, feeling surrounded by a sense of the familiar. I didn’t know what we were doing there, really, until he looked around and sighed with satisfaction.