Page 153 of Only After We Met
Subject: Even if you don’t read this
Do you realize we missed our friendiversary? I remember the first time I read that word. I thought it was funny. You’ve always been the funniest girl I knew, even when you aren’t trying. I hope everything’s okay.
From: Rhys Baker
To: Ginger Davies
Subject: Even if you don’t read this
Did you listen to the album? I like to think you have, because it’s playing everywhere. Ginger, I think everyone I’ve ever met in my thirty years of life has gotten in touch with me, even peopleI went to preschool with, except you. What’s up? Why can’t you give me a sign that you’re alive, at least? It’s been almost a year. A fucking year, Ginger. It’s torture. I’ve got the urge to just show up at your office. I reread your email a million times. Time, you said. You need some time not talking to me. I thought that meant a few months. I don’t know what it is you want, Ginger. But give me another chance. I promise I won’t fuck it up. I’ll even be friends with James if that will make you happy.
I want to meet your baby. It kills me when I think you’ve had it, and I don’t even know its name, even though you’re the most important person in my life. How did we let all this happen? When did everything we’d shared stop being enough?
From: Rhys Baker
To: Ginger Davies
Subject: Even if you don’t read this
Sometimes I don’t know if I love you or hate you. I just don’t know. I try to forget you, the months pass, and right when I think I’ve done it, I think of you again. Just because. Some memory returns. And it’s like starting from zero.
From: Rhys Baker
To: Ginger Davies
Subject: Even if you don’t read this
In case you were wondering, my birthday was crazy. I got a house in a fancy neighborhood in Ibiza. You should see it. Ithas glass walls, and you can see the sunset from the sofa while you’re having your beer. We decided to throw a party. I don’t know how many people showed up. Dozens, a hundred people maybe, or maybe more. I have lots of friends here now. I guess I needed to find a substitute for you. My birthday last year sucked, and I didn’t want a repeat this year. Remember the first present you gave me, late, when I turned twenty-seven? I do. I almost tossed it in the trash the other day. Your favorite book.The Little Prince.You wrote in the front:
For Rhys, the boy I share my apartment on the moon with, because “he was only a fox like a hundred thousand other foxes. But I have made him my friend, and now he is unique in all the world.”
I guess at some point I stopped being a fox like all the other foxes, and so did you. That’s how things go, right? People are important for a time, even essential, and then one day they up and disappear into nothing. Friendships are volatile, I guess.
91
Ginger
I looked away from the red light and into the interior of my windshield. It was raining buckets, and the wipers were straining back and forth,tic, tac, tic, tac, in a simple monotonous rhythm. Just like all those people crossing the street on this ordinary street in North Harrow. A dance of open umbrellas amid the screech of tires and the gurgling of gutters. I asked myself what their lives must be like. Were they happy? Had they lived their dreams, or were they the type who’d decided that giving your dreams up was what truly freed you? Had they fallen madly in love? I let go of the wheel when I felt the damp on my cheeks and looked for a tissue.
I took a deep breath, trying to shrug off the disappointment.
I had the feeling I was spending my days rowing against the current. And I was tired. My muscles were throbbing from the effort. My heart was cold from asking him so many times tobe reasonable, and for once, just once, I needed to listen to the voice echoing in my head. It couldn’t be that hard.
I shivered when the radio announcer named the upcoming song and the first notes played. Rhys. All of him reflected in the sound.I couldn’t get away from it, no matter how much I tried; it was everywhere. I turned off the radio when the cars behind me started honking. The light had turned green. I blew my nose and stomped the accelerator.
92
Rhys
I didn’t remember their names, but they were pretty, nice, and happy to keep me company for a night. Two girls, one on either side of me in the booth, laughing at something or other as one of them stroked my thigh, getting dangerously close to my zipper. The other one told me she wanted a drink.
I took a deep breath, a little confused. I don’t know what I’d taken that night, but it was making me see everything blurry and sometimes double. I took out my wallet and dropped a couple of bills on the table. As I was closing it, I noticed a photo sticking out a little bit. I grabbed it, tried to focus, tried…to concentrate on the moment. On Ginger’s face next to mine in the photo booth. Her dazzling smile. So pretty. Prettier than anyone else’s in the world. Lower down, our lips together. Goddammit. I couldn’t even remember what it was like to kiss her, what it was like to be inside her. How long ago was that? Almost three years? Maybe. And the memories were growing vaguer, as if the color was draining out of them.
I put the photo back in my wallet as I felt unknown lips on myneck, going up my jaw, finding my mouth, seductive, tasting of gin. I let myself go, the way I always did now.
Especially this past month.
Since the news came…